Well, I'm much happier with the 11 week size than last week's! lol. What can I say, I really like limes. :P
Ben had his first "Daddy" panic yesterday. He didn't give me a lot of detail, since it happened while he was at work and away from me. All he said was that he started worrying about being a good Dad and money, that sort of thing. All I could say was that God gave us these two little ones. He wouldn't have done that if He knew we wouldn't be able to properly care for his blessings. Which I guess was what kept running through Ben's mind when he started getting nervous. He said he spent a lot of time praying about it.
I must admit, I've had my own worry moments. Well ... freak out moments, really. I'll get this sick feeling in my stomach as I start thinking about something going wrong with the pregnancy, or when they're little. Being on the bump doesn't really help in these situations. I've read stories about people leaving their babies in the car (these were in Florida .. the stories all had sad endings), one about a one week old twin needing surgery, and not making it (leaving the mom to take one baby home to a nursery filled with two of everything), women who make it to 22 weeks just to lose their babies then, not to mention the heartbreaking story of my friend Melissa (which I will not post here, out of respect for her.) Just today I read a post about a women carrying twins who endured a gush of blood at 12 weeks. Really not what I need to see right now! I'm two days away from being at 12 weeks myself. They say once you're past your 12th week, you're pretty much set as far as the miscarriage thing goes. But I've read so many stories to the contrary. I've spent more than one night crying over the fear of losing even one of my peanuts.
I'm sure I'm not so different from other first-time pregnant women. With no idea of what to expect, everything runs through your mind. Unfortunately, I'm the type to think of the worst. I stress over every little thing that could go wrong. What if we make it through the pregnancy, all the way to full term, and then once we get home something happens to one of them? What if we get into a car accident? Car seats are supposed to protect them, but how much can they really do? It's in these moments that I should follow Ben's lead and just start to pray. But most of the time I can't break myself out of it. It seems like the only thing I do pray about lately is the babies. That they'll be healthy. That we'll make it to full term. That I make the right choices now to give them everything they need to grow properly. I'm constantly thinking about what to eat, how much to eat, how to lie down ... Everything in my mind is centered on them. I've laid on my stomach once since I found out I was pregnant, and that was only so Ben could rub my back. I try not to lie on my back or my stomach, make sure I don't eat more than one serving of fish per week, try to make sure I'm getting enough calcium and protein and fruits and veggies ... I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin one day and nearly cried when I realized it the next.
I'm so scared that I'll do something wrong and hurt or hinder one of my children.
I really do have the best husband when it comes to all this, though. Ben has turned into such a mother hen. I wince and he's instantly asking me what I need or what he can do to help. I mention that something sounds good, and he goes to find it for me. We were at Kevin and Karen's and I mused that I wanted a cup of milk. I figured I'd get it when we got home, right? Wrong. Without my realizing it, he went to find Karen and when she said it was ok, went into the kitchen to get one for me. When he came back with it, I told him that I wasn't saying it so he'd get it for me. He responded with this look and "Please. That's why I'm here." He wants to do everything he can, and it's just so sweet. I know I'm blessed. There are plenty of women on the bump who post about their husbands not understanding, or just ignoring the things they ask for. One of the many reasons I love Ben is because he's such a caretaker, and so tenderhearted. I know he's going to be a wonderful father, because he's just such an amazing husband.
I've got a little while to go before my next appointment, but I'm so excited. It's such a thrill to get to see my little ones growing, to see the changes from the last time I saw them. And I can't wait to gush about the experience of hearing two heartbeats for the first time!
Til next time!
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