There hasn't been a whole lot going on this week, baby wise. We've been trying to get everything together for the yard sale tomorrow, and that's taken up a lot of time. I still have yet to actually tag everything with prices. I tell myself when I go to bed "Oh, I'll do that tomorrow." And then of course, I forget the second I wake up. So, along with a bunch of other things I'd planned, it has yet to be done.
My memory is completely shot. I forget so many words while I'm talking, or where I put things. If it weren't for Ben, the cats probably wouldn't get fed! Speaking of cats, Eppi is being such a little cuddle bug. Every morning she crawls into my lap and makes kitty paws and just purrs and purrs and purrs. If I move from room to room, she follows me - just to curl up at my feet when I stop moving. While the boys stay in the bathroom windows or on the cat tree, she sleeps on the bed while I'm on the computer. She's gotten so attached to me, and it makes me feel really good. The boys aren't cuddlers, at least not with me. They love Ben. Belkar only curls up with him, and Mems likes both of us. But Ben picks him up to cuddle more. Eppi is a mommy's girl. She almost never cuddles Ben (only his pants ... we find her curled up in his pants at least once a day. She'll even jump into the hamper to do it...) but she spends a lot of her day curled up with me. Even though she's given Bugga a nervous complex, I'm glad that we got her. (Poor boy licks his fur off. And he's gotten very skittish. We think it's because she likes to play with him - but she plays by dive bombing and chasing him around everywhere.) Right now she's at the edge of the bed, sleeping away. If I were to get up to go to the kitchen (or take a shower, which I really need to do...), she'd wake up and follow me. She's a sweet girl when she wants to be.
I think the beginning of my pregnancy spoiled me. I got used to going to the doctor once a week, and getting an ultrasound. Now it's so very hard to wait to see them again. My mind jumps to the worst things, and it's not until I see those two little heartbeats that I finally calm down. I have yet to hear them, but just the flickers make me feel so much better. When I went to the doctor last week, I found out I had actually lost weight. Which was not what I expected - since my stomach looks bigger. At least now I know it's not just me, but I've got some baby belly too! I was excited. My next appointment is Wednesday and I'm so anxious. While I want to hear the heartbeats, I'd feel so sad that Ben would miss out on it. ... I wonder if they do recordings...
My emotions are nutty. I cry over the littlest things. I really need to stop reading The Bump. Just this morning I stumbled across someone commenting support to another woman who lost her baby at 16 weeks. I just burst into tears. I would always feel empathy and compassion for women who had to endure that, but I don't think it was until now that I could even remotely understand the true pain of it. Just the thought of something happening to one of them makes my heart twist. I don't know how these women do it. I can't imagine getting out of bed for weeks at a time. How do you recover from something like that? And then to read stories about babies who don't make it past the first few weeks... To have protected them for 9 months, to feel them moving, and go through delivery, and start to get to know them ... just to lose them. How do you survive that? It seems like the pain would get worse the older the child is. The longer you've known them, the more you can remember exactly what it is you're missing. A few months, a year, five, ten. The dreams you had for them, the dreams they had that you wanted to see them acheive. How do you survive losing your 28 year old son? This man that you raised and poured yourself into, who shared his dreams and hopes and aspirations with you. This adult, who will forever be your baby ... how can you ever get past that pain? I am so filled with fear. I'm not special. I'm not a better person than anyone else. Why would I deserve to miss out on that kind of pain when others have to endure it everyday of their lives? But I know I couldn't survive it. Even now. With this tiny life that I have never met, never felt, never heard ... it would destroy me to lose one of them. How could I survive for the other? Would my grief harm the living child? Oh God ... what if it were both? How could I survive the death of both my children? These are the things that fill my mind on a daily basis. These are the terrors that plague me. I try to let go, to trust God and know that He will not put me through anything I can not handle ... but I don't know how to stop the fears. I don't know how to break free. When I talk about it, all I'm told is not to think about it. That everything is going to be fine, or to trust in God. It seems like the only one who doesn't just brush it off is Ben. But I try not to worry him. I just can't stop worrying myself...
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