Follow the White Rabbit

I seem to keep forgetting that I have this. I don't spend a lot of time on my computer, at least comperable to some other people I know. No Facebook addiction, or Twitter friends. Having a blog at all is pretty big, I guess. Though when I first mentioned it on my Facebook, I was asked what it was about. All I said was "my thoughts." I know people keep blogs as weight loss motivators, or to let everyone know what's going on with their family. But sometimes I just need a place to let myself ramble. I don't really have any purpose for these posts, just to do them.

I know I'm just a newlywed, but I don't understand how people can hate their spouses. Or get to the point that they just don't care. I was listening to the radio the other day, where the woman was going around asking people to share their secrets. When I tuned in, she was speaking to a woman who said she'd cheated. The radio girl's response was "so what, everyone does." so the woman said it was multiple times with multiple people. I was so disturbed by this. How could these people be so flippant about affairs? Our society has become so filled with cheating that no one seems to care anymore. On House, Wilson and his wife are both having affairs, and when she leaves, he says to House, "Maybe I'm dealing with something and I need to talk with my friend." Dealing with something? You cheated on your wife, and she left. In fact, he has three failed marriages - did they all end because of cheating?

How many movies, and TV shows, and books are filled with affairs. Our world has become numb to people stepping out. It's no scandal anymore, and it makes me so sad. How can people not value a marriage? People of all ages enter into marriage, thinking that they have a way out - if this doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce. You're just setting yourself up to fail! If you don't value your marriage, why the hell are you entering into it in the first place?! You don't "fall out of love" you stop trying. You give up. Love is not an emotion, it's a commitment. Marriage takes work. It's an effort. But you do it because you choose to love that person for the rest of your life.

I feel such a rage about these people who hold no value in their marriages. People who don't care about the sanctity of marriage - those in them and those not in them - make me absolutely furious. I can feel myself getting so worked up.

And for that I think I need to stop writing now... By the way, the title had nothing to do with the post itself.

No, you DON'T understand. He's my brother. He was supposed to be my brother.

I find myself thinking about Jack a lot. Well, I wouldn't say a lot. But I do think about him now and then. I don't think anyone I speak to really understands how I feel. Sure, they can empathize; but they just can't ever really understand. I have these awesome friends, a few who have become like a sister to me. But it's just not the same. My whole life it's been just me. I never had someone to go through childhood with, someone who would have the same parents to grumble about, someone who had been there on all the family vacations and who fought with me.

Jack was my one chance to have a brother. Love him or hate him, close or distant, there was going to be that familial tie that could never be broken. No matter how I felt about him, he'd be my brother. I think I'd rather he be here, but someone I hated and wanted no contact with than the way things are. It's sad that I so want a sibling that I would wish for one I couldn't stand.

I miss him. I hear stories about the way he was - his pros and cons, his troublemaking, his sweetness. I see him in my head sometimes. I look at pictures and wonder - what would it have been like to actually have known him? There's a part of me that's so angry with him for taking away my only chance to hear "I love you, sis" and have the term actually be true. There's a part of me that is so angry with him for taking away my children's uncle. Their only chance for real cousins. But there's this part of me that is just broken hearted. A piece of my family is missing. How can I not grieve for my brother?

When we first started dating, Ben told me that Jack would have like me. That he wouldn't have liked his former girlfriend, which he'd known when he was dating her. But that Jack would have really like me. I think of that conversation and it breaks my heart. I hear about how the funeral hall that was bursting from those who loved him, and I wonder how he could have felt so alone. How could he have left all of us behind? All of us who love him?

No one understands, but I love him. He was my brother. I was made for Ben. From birth, Ben was my husband - it was who he was destined to be. Jack was destined to be my brother. And I love him because of that. I miss my brother. I miss my Jack. It hurts to stand at his grave, so overflowing with mementos and gifts of those still grieving for him. To look down at a name on a stone and know that I will never see his face. Never hear his voice.

People tell me I miss an imagination. That I can't really grieve for someone I never knew. But my heart is broken, and there are days when all I want to do is see my brother's face. To just once, hear his voice and know that my family isn't horribly broken.


My children will be blessed with aunts and uncles and cousins in those friends we hold dear. Familial ties extend beyond blood. But I so would have loved for them to have those family ties...

New Beginnings

While not my first post, it may as well seem like it. I'd had this blog back in '07, and here we are three years later. Things have changed since then, and when I read my old posts it brought back memories, and made me so happy that I am no longer in that stage of my life. Every post was full of self loathing and pain. And comments from the one I thought I'd loved that I can now see for what they truly were - vicious manipulation of a man child who wanted a mommy instead of a girlfriend. Again, so glad I'm not there anymore.


My life is wonderful. I love my husband, the one perfect person that God made for me. I have never in my life felt as completely and unconditionally loved as I have with him. Ben has shown me what True Love is. He is my knight in shining armor, my prince, my soulmate. And no one could hope for more than I have with him.


I only hope he can fully appreciate the way I feel for him. I know sometimes I get caught up with what I want in the future. A house, dogs, babies. But right now is so amazingly perfect. I think reading my old blog really helped to show me that. I have come so far, from a world of turmoil and hurt to this beautiful home of pure love. Ben, my other half, my perfect mate, you are the most wonderful person I have ever known and I am so very blessed to be you wife. 5 months, one week, and counting. <3 I adore you.


Currently I have my baby girl lying on my left arm, purring contentedly. Makes things a little hard to type, but since Little Miss has been not so cuddly as of late, I'm taking it! Eponine is a wonderful addition to our family. The cutest little baby face hiding the psycho child within. Crazier than Belkar, she is. And while she may not be as fluffy as Remy, she gives him a run for his money in the cute department. (Though Mems has been acting like a little Mr. Cutie Face lately) We've had our baby girl for a month and a half now. And she fit in perfectly from day one.


I love my family. My husband, my three sweet kitties, and everyone else who's now mixed in from my side and his. For years I dreamed of this - this perfect union. Sometimes it takes my breath away to know that I finally have it.




I love my life.