Thirty-one Weeks Two Days/Two Pumpkin Squash

Well, I've decided to finally switch to the "second" due date. Originally, my doctor had told me February 6th, and that's where all the week counts have been coming from. I don't remember when, but she eventually switched it to February 9th. Not a huge difference, but it definitely changes where I am in daily gestational age. So instead of today being 31 weeks and 5 days, we're just 31 weeks 2 days. Yep. Huge difference there. :P

Things have been going really well. I've had quite a few appointments this week. My first was Monday, and it was the first time I had to go to the other location for my OB's practice. It was also the first time I met the male doctor for the practice. The second he walked in, I didn't like him. I can't really explain it, but I was just uncomfortable from the very beginning. He was a nice man, older, with white hair. And his hand shook a little as he talked to me. I wonder if maybe it was just that ... it unsettles me if the OB is old enough to have delivered me. No clue why. But either way, I just didn't like him.

It didn't help that I'd been sitting in the room so long that the light shut off on me. And when he came in, he was muttering about how he didn't know he had any patients. Then tells me that no one told him that I was there, so he was just sitting in his office not doing anything. Uh ... thanks? I know it's not your fault, but how do you think it makes me feel to know that I was forgotten? Anyways, his appointment was very short. But once he saw that I'd just been seen the previous week, he immediately jumped on it. "What's going on?" I explained that my doctor had put me on high blood pressure medication and she'd just wanted me to come in to have my blood pressure checked to make sure that it was working. He immediately began talking about non stress tests, and how I'd have to go for them twice a week, with a doctor's appointment on one of the visits. This really aggravated me, since my usual OB never mentioned NSTs when she decided to put me on the medication. I think the fact that I didn't like him just made me more annoyed by what he was saying. So by the time I got home I was so frustrated that I just started crying as I told Ben about the appointment. He suggested I call my regular OB the next day to check if she agrees with this other doctor. When I called her, she said that the NSTs have more to do with twins than with high blood pressure. They usually start them in the 33rd or 34th week. I guess I'm just the lucky one who gets to start early. :P It was easier hearing it from her than from the other doctor...

Yesterday I had another appointment in Hartford. Ben took me, since I had been unable to find anyone else to go with me. He wound up not going back to work after, because I had to go in for another appointment with my OB's office. More on that after. Everything went well in Hartford. It was a pretty quick appointment, surprisingly. The boys looked good, and for the second month, Nudge came in heavier. Nemo weighed 3 pounds 15 ounces, and Nudge was 4 pounds. I checked the "typical" weight for this week when we got home, and it said 3.3 pounds. So they're not overly large, but they're still a bit bigger than average.

Starting around 5 on Wednesday, I had been feeling really nauseous. So I tried calling the OB, since on the discharge paper (from my last trip to L&D) it listed nausea/vomiting as a reason to call the physician. Unfortunately, I didn't call until about 9:40, and the on-call OB never called me back. So the next morning I called after they had opened as we were on our way to Hartford. They scheduled me to come in at 2:45 with another doctor I hadn't met yet (luckily this one I was completely comfortable with when I met her). By the time we got home from Hartford, I was feeling worse, but I was also hungry, so I made myself some plain toast and tea - I actually made a cup of "Morning Wellness" from Earth Mama. I have a package of teas made for moms-to-be, and one is for morning sickness, so I was hoping it would help with the nausea. No such luck. About five minutes before we needed to leave for the appointment, I was in the bathroom throwing up what little I'd eaten. Ben was glad he hadn't gone back to work - the thought of me driving myself to the doctor while I felt so icky worried him. The doctor said that it was one of two things - either the boys were squishing my stomach, and not giving it room to hold any of the food I was trying to eat, or it's a bug that's going around. She said to come back in next week after my first NST and have the doc I see check on how I'm doing. By the time I had some soup and crackers for dinner, I'd started feeling better and had some toast with peanut butter (the doctor told me to try and eat protein rich foods, which should help me feel full longer without needing to stuff my squeezed stomach). Hopefully, this 24-hour run of nausea is over; I can't imagine going the next five weeks feel sick to my stomach all the time!

Also, as of the last appointment, I had lost a few pounds and I'm now at 10 pounds gained over the entire pregnancy! With 8 pounds of baby in there, I think that's pretty awesome!! And both of the last two doctors I saw agreed that they won't let me go past 38 weeks. For twins, that the same as hitting 42 with a singleton pregnancy. So at most I got just under 7 weeks at most to go. It's a little nerve wracking, and I've had a couple mini freak outs about "not being ready to be a mommy." But I'm still so excited. I can't wait (not for the labor, but for them to be here.) When I told Ben a few days ago that we were down to 40 days until the 36 week mark, he replied, "Good. I want to meet my sons." How cute is that? And just two nights ago, as I was cuddled up to him in bed, he'd shake his leg a little to make his hip wiggle. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "Wiggling back at them." since he can feel the boys wriggling around when we go to bed. How adorable is he? I thought it was the cutest thing. I love all my men! It'll be a testosterone-filled house, but I'll be so blessed to call it home. I just can't wait. ^_^

Twenty-nine Weeks Two Days/Two Pumpkin Squash

So much to tell already! Last week (Tuesday) I called my doctor because along with my typical Braxton Hicks, I started feeling cramps - as if I were about to start my period. I wasn't worried, but I figured it would be better to be safe than sorry. They told me to go to Labor and Delivery to be monitored, so down I went around 3 o'clock. I called Ben at work just to let him know, and I think it helped that I was able to tell him that neither the doctor nor I were really worried about it. After a long while of difficulty trying to find Nudge's heartbeat (just what I'd expect from my troublesome "shy" baby!), I wound up having to keep my finger on one corner of the circle wand in order for his heartbeat to stay on the monitor. They hooked me up to an IV, and ran in one and a half bags of fluid. Turns out I was just dehydrated, because after I got the fluid in, my cramps went away. When I called my doctor the next day just to let her know what happened (it had been another doctor in the practice who'd sent me to L&D), she told me to drink a glass of water every hour. I was able to leave around 5:30

Yesterday was my regular appointment with DKH, so I went in at 11:10. I was really wondering what my weight would be, since the month prior I had only gained 4 over the whole pregnancy. Turns out in the last month I've gained 8, which my doc said she thinks is just water weight. Also, my blood pressure was high (131/96) so she told me to go up to L&D for monitoring. Again, she thought that it wasn't anything to worry about, but better safe than sorry. So I went up around 12. Once again, Nudge gave them a lot of trouble finding his heartbeat. I was hooked up to a blood pressure cuff that went off every 10 minutes, and sometimes it would be fine, sometimes it would be high and make the machine start beeping. And they also took about 4 vials of blood to check for pre-ecclampsia. After 2 hours, I had to tell them that I was hungry (since I hadn't eaten since 9:30, and it was nearing 2), so they brought me some peanut butter toast and yogurt. Throughout my time there, they had me lying on back, turned slightly on my left side with a pillow under me, and more sitting up but still reclined. Around 3 or so, I started feeling like I was having quite a few contractions (by this time, they had taken me off the monitor because the doctor was happy with what the readings had been), and they were starting to get painful. My back was absolutely killing me, and this one spot at the top of my stomach just hurt so bad. I had been waiting a while for the nurse to come back in to check on me (she'd said they were just waiting for the results of the blood work - made it sound like I could leave once the results were in), but the pain was getting unbearable so I finally pushed the button to call for the nurse. The lady at the front desk beeped into the room to ask what I needed and I told her that the nurse had been asking me about contractions, and that it seemed like there were a lot and they were getting painful. The woman said she'd tell the nurse. The blood pressure machine started going off, but I just tried to ignore the beeping since the nurse should be coming in soon. After the blood pressure cuff went off a second time, I tried to keep waiting but by this time it was 15 minutes after I called for the nurse. I was trying my hardest not to start crying, from the pain and because I was getting so nervous about having the pain at all. Finally I paged again, and asked that someone could shut the blood pressure machine off. I then called Donna, to let her know where I was, and that I hadn't gone to the grocery store to pick up the things I needed to make dinner. When she called me back, a nurse finally came in and went to the machine, so I asked Donna to hold so I could tell her about my pain. When I said I felt like I was having a lot of contractions, she told me that they could see me on the monitor out at the desk. I had to get her to understand that they had taken me off the monitor a while before, so she finally went to get someone to help me out. I went back to my conversation with Donna, and told her about the pain but I wasn't able to keep the tears at bay. I was beyond frustrated, since I'd been waiting nearly half an hour for someone to come in (after I got to the point where I couldn't wait any longer and actually called for someone...), and I was just so fearful about what was going on. She tried to calm me down, and after we got off the phone a new nurse finally came in. Apparantly there was a shift change, and my first nurse was already gone. This one hooked me back up to the machine, and when I mentioned the blood work she told me that everything came back negative.

Ben got to the hospital a little after 4, and he just said with me for a while. I was trying not to show how much pain I was in, since he worries so easily, but most of the time I just couldn't hide it. After a while I asked him to see if I could sit forward, since I'd been basically lying on my back for four hours. The nurses told him I could, so I hunched myself forward. And while it didn't completely take the pain away, I did feel a lot better. The doctor told them to hook me up to an IV and run in a bag of fluid, so I think I was actually dehydrated again. They had given me two pitchers of water throughout my time there, but I guess it just wasn't enough. Around 5, Ben left to do some grocery shopping, make his lunch, and take care of the cats. By 5:30, they brought me some toast with jelly and the nurse told me that my doctor said once the IV bag was empty I could go home. I couldn't wait to leave because I just wanted to be able to change positions as my body needed to, and get home to eat some real food. I had to wait until 6 before the bag was finally empty. I left at 6:10.

By the time I finally got home, I had blood pressure medication, orders to really push fluids, rest, and cut back on salt. I also had to do a 24-hour urine test, and it's been an absolute pain. Luckily I only have a few hours left on that. Tomorrow morning I have another appointment with my doctor, because she wants to check my blood pressure again. Hopefully this is my last trip to L&D before the real one, because after spending 6 hours there, it's no longer a pretty place in my mind. When I'd gone on the tour, I thought it was such a nice area. It looked so homey and pretty. Now it's just an unhappy place. Maybe my mind will change after a couple weeks away from it...

Twenty-eight Weeks One Day/Two Eggplants

Once again, I did not mean to wait this long. I had every intention of blogging last week, and life just seemed to get in the way. That, and the fact that I forget everything, haha.

Things have been going well as far as the munchkins are concerned. I had another doctor's appointment last week, so I was able to get a really good update on them. One of the reasons I like my DKH appointments is because they weigh me, so I know how I'm doing there (also, five minutes down the road is an awesome "trip"). And although the ride to the high risk doctors is not something I look forward to, I love how much I find out about the babies. The pictures are always really clear, and because the machines are top notch, they are able to find out a lot.

So three weeks ago was my DKH appointment, where I found out I've so far gained 4 pounds (score!), and last week was the high risk appointment. Both the babies looked great, and are growing the way they should. Nemo's heartrate was 154, while Nudge's was 122. I was surprised by that, since up until then every heartrate we'd gotten had been over 140. But the nurse told me that as long as they're between 100 and 200 bpm, everything is fine. I guess Nudge was just having more of a chill day than Nemo, lol. Also, Nemo weighed 2 pounds, 12 ounces. Nudge was 2 pounds 13 ounces! For the first time, he beat out his "big brother" in weight! Every time they'd been weighed, Nemo was just a tad larger. The last appointment we'd gone to, the boys were actually the same weight. Now Nudge has pulled ahead. I guess we'll just have to wait and see how they finally turn out!

The other thing I found out at the appointment was that I've been having contractions. I'd had no idea that what I was experiencing was contractions. Basically, I've just been feeling this tightening in the lowest part of my uterus. I thought maybe one of the boys was turning or pushing, but when I mentioned it to the doctor, he said that it was contractions. I'd never known that you could have them in one spot and not all over. The doctor wasn't all that worried about them, since he'd just measured my cervix for any shortening or opening and everything had looked good there, but he told me to keep an eye on them. He said that if I start having a lot, or if they get stronger in intensity, I need to call my regular OB and let her know. While not likely, it can start things rolling and really bring up my risk for pre-term labor. So I've been on the lookout since then. Saturday was bad - I was having quite a few, but not enough to make me nervous. I decided to wait until Sunday to see if they were still acting up, but I had noticably fewer on Sunday. And then yesterday I didn't notice any, so I'm really not worried about them now. I'm still going to keep an eye on it, and if I feel like I'm having too many, or if they start to get painful instead of just uncomfortable, I'll be on the phone with my doctor.

The Saturday before this past one I went in for my glucose screening. The stuff wasn't too bad (luckily I have a sweet tooth), just tasted like someone needed to add a touch more water to the mixture. Monday they called and said I had failed the test, so I had to go for the three-hour one. Tuesday was Ben's birthday, so I decided to wait until Wednesday (I had to have fasted, so I wanted to go first thing in the morning). The second screening's mixture was double strength, so it was pronouncedly syrupy. It was ok going down, but I felt so sick to my stomach afterward. And sitting in the hospital for three hours was no fun either. I brought a book with me - "Bringing Up Boys" by James Dobson - that my parents had bought us for the baby shower, but it still dragged on forever. I called on Friday for my results, but I still haven't heard back from them, so I'll be calling again today. I'm hoping the taking-forever-to-call is a sign that everything is fine and I don't have to worry about gestational diabetes, but I still want a direct answer. Hopefully I'll know by the end of today.

The nursery is just about done. All the painting is completed, and we put up the Winnie the Pooh decal stickers on the walls. Ben put together one of the cribs, and it just looks too cute. Unfortunately, the bathroom needed to be gutted and rebuilt, so the wall separating the bathroom and pantry needed to come down. All the baby shower stuff was in the pantry, so we had to bring everything into the nursery so they could do the work. Now the nursery is packed with stuff in every direction, and it looks quite messy. I can't wait to organize and put everything where it goes. The dresser is getting painted in nursery colors - so far it's just been primed white. But that shouldn't take too long to finish. Ben's grandmother is working on the curtains for the nursery windows (she turns sheets into curtains, and apparantly they look great!). I'm just so anxious to get everything looking pretty...

I had someone tell me I was nesting yesterday. Don't know if that's true, but I was just in a cleaning mood. I hate looking around and seeing mess. So I did all the dishes and washed every last piece of dirty clothing/towel/sheet. It took about six loads to get everything done, but I was so happy when it was finished. I also scrubbed the stove and wiped down the counters (Ben tends to spill when making coffee ... >.<) There is still so much to be done, but bending over is getting to where it hurts, so I think I may be a little stuck as far as the rest of the cleaning goes. And what a trouper my hubby was. He came home and swept the kitchen floor, and then helped fold the last load of clean clothes, even switched over the linens loads for me. I hate asking him to do things when he's just spent 9 hours at work, but I was feeling a little wiped and he jumped right in. I've truly got the greatest husband.

We're hoping the beginning of December is when we can move. I just can't wait to be in our first family home. Yes, it's an apartment. But it's going to be the place that my babies first come home to. It will be where they grow up (for however many years before we're able to get a house). This apartment we're living in now will be our first home in my mind. And yes, I think of Ben and myself as a family. But there's just something about my children's first home that really makes it special. ... I just can't wait. :)

Twenty-four Weeks/Two Papayas

Well, hosldfnglkhsdfjwopiejfsldnf. This is not the first time I've tried to write a blog since my last one. For some reason, it just did not want to work for me. Which, of course, caused much irritation on my part. So here we are, over a month since my last post. Completely having missed my two cantalopes (20 weeks), two bananas (21 weeks), and some of my two papayas (22 and 23 weeks). Now that we've gotten to this point, the fruit and veggie sizes are sticking around for more than just one week. Kind of a disappointment. I liked having a new "nickname" to call the boys each week. Oh well. At least this is the last week for papayas.

So much has been going on with these little ones. Their kicks have gotten stronger - and so much more often! There are even a few times that it hurts a little. My boys are getting stronger by the day. Ben has finally felt them! The first time was the Thursday during my 22nd week. We were at childbirth class, and the kicks were feeling pretty strong and consistent, so I just grabbed his hand and put it on my belly. He'd been trying so hard to feel them, but always touched when they weren't moving (total bummer). Now he's felt them a couple more times, and just a few nights ago, he got to feel one rolling over while my tummy was against his side (we'd gone to bed, and I'd been snuggled up against him). I love the look he gets on his face when he feels the kicks ... just this look of wonder, and then he starts grinning. He's talked to them, and whenever he kisses my belly, he always makes sure to kiss twice. This experience has just made me fall in love with my husband so much more. I'm so excited for when we get to hold them.

This past Wednesday was my appointment with the high risk doctors, and they needed to get a few more anatomical pictures. Nemo did not like it when they finished with him and started trying to get a look at his brother. The second the wand moved away, he started kicking me over and over! Like he was saying "Hey! You're supposed to be looking at ME right now!" I laughed, since he's what we've called our "spotlight" baby, while Nudge is the "shy one." And Nudge stayed true to his nickname too. Everytime the doctor got close to what he needed for a picture, Nudge would move. As if to say, "Nooo, stop it! You don't get to take my picture! Go away!!" I definitely had a lot of giggles during the appointment. The most amazing thing, was that 4 weeks prior, at the last appointment, we had been told that Nemo was 11 ounces, and Nudge was 10. On Wednesday, both the boys weighed 1 pound, 10 ounces. They gained a whole pound in a month! It was such a shock to me, since up until then they'd only gained a few ounces each time. The doctor told me that most twins measure below the 50th percentile as far as weight is concerned. Our two are measuring in the 70th. All I could think was "Oh, boy. This is going to be fun..." since I just can't wrap my head around how big my tummy is going to get. The doctor then told me that it was a really good thing, since many of the problems with twins when they're first born are growth related. Since these guys are bigger, that's not as much of a concern (unless, of course, they come out super early). It was really good to know, and a relief, but I couldn't help but still feel a bit nervous. I can't imagine triplet moms, or moms of quads. It freaks me out enough thinking about them having enough room with only two! And while at my appointment, the doctor told me that the most he'd seen was a woman with septuplets. Seven babies?? He said it was scary, because there were just so many. He didn't get to see her to the end of her pregnancy, but had done a scan on them. Just crazy. I'm good with two, thanks.

Yesterday was my baby shower. Earlier than most women have them, but the risk for bed rest and pre-term labor is just so high. I was afraid that if they held it later, I would run the risk of missing my own shower! It was so much fun. About 20 people came, and everything looked so adorable. My mom had bought all the decorations and sent them up last month. Winnie the Pooh decorations everywhere, along with yellow and green streamers. The punch was blue and had three duckies floating in it. Donna made three types of soup (turkey chili, broccoli cheddar cheese, and chicken soup), and Ben's mom picked up everything needed for sandwiches. The best part was that they used cookie cutters on the bread, so that each type of sandwich was a different shape. The baby bottles were ham salad, rocking horses were tuna, onesies were chicken salad, and booties were egg salad. Just too cute!! Then there was regular salad as well. Everything was so good. The cake had Winnie, Tigger, and Piglet on it in frosting. The woman who made our wedding cake made the baby shower cake, and it was delicious! In fact, all the food was amazing. Donna had moved all the furniture out of her living room to make space for three tables and chairs, so that everyone had a place to sit and eat comfortably. Ben's mom prayed over the food and then everyone went through buffet style and picked what they wanted. After eating, we played a few games and they handed out prizes, then it was time to move on the presents. Donna prayed over me and Ben and the boys and the pregnancy in general. She made me cry... But THEN I started going through gifts. Which took two hours to open... We were so completely blessed by everyone who so thoughtfully gave for our boys - we're pretty much all set for when they're here. My mom got us the double stroller and car seats, Ben's parents got us one crib, my dad and Donna got us the other crib. Ben's mom kept joking that we were going to need to buy a shed for all the diapers! Honestly, I was so overwhelemed with the outpouring of love and generosity from everyone. The one gift that made me cry was from my mom. She saved all of my baby clothes. And all the little things that my Grandma had made for me. Of course, most of it was pink or dresses. I laughed that I couldn't use the clothes for the boys, but someone said to save it for the next one, which could always be a girl (we'll see about "next one"...).  But it wasn't until I pulled out the baby blanket that she had made herself - by cutting up her wedding dress - that the tears started. I remember when I was younger, I'd yelled at her for cutting up her dress. Now I have a piece of it with me always. I may not be able to use most of the things for these two little ones, but having them means a lot. There was another gift that means the world to me. It's a Beatrix Potter book that Ben's parents gave to us (along with a bunch of other books, including a mini Beatrix Potter story that used to be Ben's when he was younger). This book was purchased by Jack when he was in his mid-twenties. As soon as the words "it was Jack's" came out of her mouth, Ben's mom started to cry. So this book means so much. I told Ben that there's a part of me that wants to write a message inside the cover - "To Micah and Darius. Love, Uncle Jack." - but I'm so scared that it would upset his mom. I asked Ben if it would upset him, and he said no. But I don't want to upset my sweet mother-in-law, so I'm on the fence about it. I guess we'll just wait and see for a bit.

It was a long day, but it was a very good one. Now we just need to finish the nursery (as in, finish priming, paint the main and accent colors, clean the hardwood floors) and then we can arrange all the gifts. I'm so excited for it; I just keep picturing when I get to photograph every little corner. My babies are going to have the cutest little room. Life is good. Busy, crazy, full ... but so very, very good. :)

Nineteen Weeks Five Days/Two Mangoes

Hmmm ... I'm starting to see a pattern. Missed out on eighteen weeks. No sweet potatoes here! I'd really hoped that I'd be able to keep up to my once-a-week posting, but since this is the third I've missed, it looks like that's not going to happen.

Last week I felt the first movements! Nothing huge, just what felt like two little bubble pops against my right side. I was so unsure if it was actually them, I didn't have much excitement. This week I've had some "muscle twitches" movements and more what I can only call "little tickles" one early morning. So right side, middle, and left side respectively. At least I know I've felt both of them! It's almost secretive - something that only I can experience. Ben tried holding my tummy one night, and even when I told him it was too early for him to feel anything (and that I didn't even feel any movements right then), all he could say was "Hush." It's so cute watching him. The way that he fawns over us just melts my heart. He's going to be such a good daddy. I honestly could not have wound up with a more perfect husband. <3

Monday I was scheduled for an anatomic screening at DKH. Of course, after waiting for 45 minutes, I was told that they don't do screenings for twins there, and then was sent home. Feeling all sorts of frustrated, I went to Wal*Mart and chatted with Nikki and proceeded to buy a pack of yellow onesies. The first baby purchase I've made! I'm proud that I made it past my half way mark before buying anything for them. Yes, I've made blankets, but the yarn had already been purchased. So I somehow managed to wait until my second half of pregnancy before spending money! I still wound up having a bit of a rough evening. When I have an upcoming appointment, my stress starts rising. My mind begins its route through everything that could have gone wrong without my knowledge. Seeing them on the screen is such an ease to my heart, and I'm able to make it through the next two weeks before I begin to worry again. Monday morning I'd been all ramped up, but never got the release of knowing that they were fine. My stress just continued until the Thursday appointment in Hartford. After crying Wednesday night, and Thursday morning, the drive through rush-hour traffic just made my panicky self even more jumpy. Thank God Ben was with me, and the one driving. I never would have handled the traffic.

Turns out the Thursday appointment was an anatomic screening. So the one with DKH was completely un-necessary and only served to make my emotions fly all over the place. It was the longest appointment I've had to date, and it seemed like every bone had its picture taken and then got measured. One of the cutest things we saw was Nemo stretch and arch his back just like Mommy does. Little spines lit up the screen, profiles looking just as cute as ever. It really is amazing what they can see nowadays! And, lucky for us, both of them decided to cooperate and position themselves so the sonogram could pick up on gender. We've got two little boys on their way! Ben and I both felt a moment of disappointment, since we'd been hoping for one of each. But less than thirty seconds later, we were just thrilled. I'm so glad we found out now - I would hate to look back on when they were born and remember that I was disappointed. Even for a second. Now we've got ourselves prepared. Ben had said that he'd been looking forward to having his little princess, but he's so happy about the boys. One of his first thoughts was that he didn't have to worry about needing to murder some stupid teenage guy who broke his little girl's heart. At least not with these two, lol. The last really cool thing that happened was that they were able to give us a 3D picture of Nemo. Nudge wasn't in the right postion for it, but Nemo's face is just so cute!! Adorable already!! We're just too happy. If they don't completely wear me out and things work out right, we can always try for a girl later on. I told Ben it would depend on how these two little rascals run circles around Mommy. I could very well just be too tired to even think of another. He just nodded and said he'd know the look of "I want a baby" when it came into my eyes. Psh. Like he knows whats going to happen. :P (We all know he's gonna be right...haha)

So once we got home and shared the news with everyone, we had our first Childbirthing Class that night. It was interesting. Slides and information, and then a tour of the birthing center. We're the only ones with twins, and my old boss is in the same class, but it's still going to be really good. I got this pain in my side - I think from standing too long/walking around the center. The rooms are amazing ... so homey! Definitely not the sterile white portrayed in TV and movies. Once we sat down, it was so much better. The pain pretty much disappeared. After a nervous week, I slept awesome last night.

The boys have new nicknames already. Matt wants us to name them Chaos and Mayhem (LOL!), and I've taken to calling them Bubs and Bubbas when we're alone ... when I'm alone... We still refer to them as Nemo and Nudge, but Ben asked if we'd start calling them by their names. I said no only because we won't know which one is which until we see them and can give them the name that fits. I find myself even more anxious for their birth date. I can't wait to see the little faces of my two precious boys.

Micah Samuel and Darius Isaiah, Mommy and Daddy love you immensely already!

Seventeen Weeks Five Days/Two Onions

Things have been going well this week. After my freak out from last week, Ben and I got to talk for a while. I think it helped just to have someone listen. I was able to get out my fears, and purge the thoughts that had been plaguing me. We've agreed that should someone start in on the negativity (even if they're only trying to help prepare us), we'll kindly ask that they stop. I just don't need those things weighing heavily on me. I think the best part was that Ben had known intuitively that there was something wrong. He said that his "scalp was tingling" - which I guess has happened before when something was going wrong. He'd wanted to ask me what was wrong on his last break, but decided to wait until he got home. I find it interesting that he'd known. But I guess God was sending out a call. I certainly felt a lot better after we talked.

I had another appointment  yesterday, my first with the newest doctor in the practice I go to. She was really young (looked too young to be a doctor, haha), but she's also going to be a delivering doctor, so now there's two in the practice instead of just one. So now if I deliver at DKH, it will either be Dr. K or Dr. T doing it. I like both of them, so either will be fine with me. We got to hear the heartbeats again, though it was much fainter on the doppler she was using compared to the one in Hartford. And she the doppler she had was seperate from the sonogram, so she had to use the sono-wand to find where the hearts were so she could put the doppler in the right place instead of just guessing. Both were in the 150s, so they're still girls according to the old-wives tale. The one picture I got this week was of their two little heads. Looks like a top down shot. I mentioned some of my symptoms to her, since she had said that even if the pregnancy books say it's normal, I need to tell them. The intermittent pains I get in the lower abdomen are more than likely the "stretching" pains of my uterus making room for two little ones. But I also told her about the heartburn, and how I'd had moderate-to-severe acid reflux before getting pregnant. So I now have a prescription to try. When taking Zantac, I'd have to wait for the pain to start before taking one (since I never knew if the heartburn would start acting up, or when) and I always had to take one before bed. If this one works, it'll be just one pill a day. If it doesn't, she said we'll try a two a day pill. Either way, I'm glad I won't have to worry about permanent damage to my esophagus anymore.

The last thing I told her about was that my heartrate seemed higher than normal. They checked it for me - 108. She said it was a little high, so I need to push fluids and rest as much as possible. Fast heartbeat can be a sign of anemia, but it could also just be because I have more blood in my body, so my heart has to work harder (or faster) to get it all moving. She said that if it lasts a few weeks, they're going to have to keep a close eye on it. I had known that everyone needs 8 8oz glasses of water a day (64oz), but she said that for me she'd recommend doubling that. I don't know if I can consume that much water! But as long as I get the 64 in, I should be ok. I know I don't drink near enough. The biggest problem is that we can't drink the tap water where we live, so we have to buy bottled. I'm think that I might get a couple liters (she also said two litres should be fine), and refil them with gallon jugs. We might go shopping tonight to see what we can get.

I still have yet to feel them moving. I'm so impatient for that!! But at least now, I'm feeling some changes. I can feel the hardness in my stomach, and when I sit/stand/move a certain way, it feels heavy. I also have the "muscle aches" you get after a work out and things are stretched and not used to it. Again, usually only when I'm in a certain position. I can still lay on my back, but I have a feeling that will be stopping soon. Over the course of my pregnancy, I've lost about 8 pounds. My stomach is clearly bigger, so those two must be eating up all my calories! Ben keeps joking that he'll make millions promoting the "pregnancy diet". I told him that as long as the pregancies for the diet aren't from him, I'm fine with it - lol. The weirdest part about it is that I'm so tired all the time that I don't actually do any excersizing, or even much moving at all. I spend most of my day sitting. Fifteen minutes on my feet and I'm wiped. There hasn't been much getting done around the house. But Ben is such a trooper. <3 He doesn't complain when he comes home and I haven't done dishes or anything. In fact, he's told me more than once that he'd be more upset if he came home and I'd pushed myself too much instead of taking it easy. He's a big proponent of the "resting mama" style of pregnancy. :) I honestly cannot belive how blessed I am to have him. I can't say how many times I've been asked to clone him, or get him to teach classes! Yep, God sent me the biggest blessing of my life when he came around.

I'd always said that I wanted to wait and be surprised at delivery to find out the sex of my children. I just never took into account how very impatient I am. Ben has no problem waiting, but it's me who's getting antsy. I've known so many people who have been told one thing and gotten the other. I think that when the doctor asks if I want to know, I'm not going to be able to say no. But I'll still have that thought in the back of my mind that they could be wrong. We're hoping for one of each, so we can be done after these two. I want a girl, Ben wants a boy. But since twins are so prevalent in our family trees, we just don't want to run the risk of another set of twins. I'd be perfectly content with two, and while Ben used to say he wanted 3 or 4, he's recently come to agree that two would be perfect. I guess we'll just have to wait and see! Now if only I could start feeling my little wigglers...

Sixteen Weeks Four Days/Two Avocados

Well, I missed another week. Time just seemed to keep slipping away from me, and I'd forget to hop on here. No record of my two navel oranges, and of course last week was a time that so many things were happening!!

Where to begin ... well the shortest update is from the morning I woke up and felt a thumping down where the babies are. Of course, it turned out to be my own heartbeat I was feeling (talk about huge disappointment!) but for a second I thought it was one or both of them. It happened again a couple days later (only when I wake in a certain postion) but I didn't get excited the second time. So at least it wasn't a second crash down to disappointment!

The other update from last week is the second appointment at Hartford. I had a nice group with me - Nikki, Mike, and Nic. It definitely made for a fun drive! Also, waiting didn't seem to take as long, I think because I just kept chattering away with Nikki. I could tell as soon as the ultrasound started that they looked bigger. Every other time I had gotten an ultrasound, I could see their whole bodies on the screen. This time, it was from the waist up. The nurse had to move in increments to get all the measurements! She kept saying that they were "absolutely stunning" haha. But we did get to see little profiles. The pictures we got were of their faces, though Nudge's pics were blurry. I'm thinking someone doesn't know how to sit still... lol.  Perhaps a hint for the future? Anyways, the best part of the day was when we got to hear the heartbeats. Nikki recorded them on her phone and sent them to me, so I could play them for Ben. According to the "old wives tale" - we'll be having two girls. Both were over 140 bpm. Nemo was 150, Nudge was 162. The last time the heartbeats were measured, they were 167 and 170 respectively. But I guess sometimes they slow down? The nurse wasn't worried. Nikki was thrilled to see "her babies" and I think she was more excited than I was! Once the other three left the room, the nurse had to measure my cervix, and I was relieved to see that it wasn't thinning. I hadn't actually thought that it was, but I know it's a possibility, and after some of the stories I've heard, it's one less thing off my mind.

That was about it for last week, as far as the babies go. Ben and I had a date night to go see Grease at the theatre, since Krissy got us tickets for my birthday. He'd never seen it, so the play was completely new to him. We really enjoyed it, and the night out was greatly appreciated. We don't have much money for dates.

There hasn't been much going on this week. I went to Nikki's house yesterday and the day before. I'd visited with Lauren, Nick, and Vivy on Monday. Today I don't have any plans, but I know there's a bunch to be done around the house ... if only I can find the motivation. I woke up with a headache again, and I'm wondering if the change in weather is affecting me. That was always a trigger for my migraines, but so far it seems to be dwindling instead of getting worse. Hopefully by the time I shower, it'll have disappeared completely...

Last night we went to Mini Church, and it was just a chatty sort of night. Too dreary for swimming, everyone was inside - mostly in the kitchen. Everything was going well; my hands were itching to hold little baby Elijah. By the time I felt comfortable enough to ask, he was in the living room, being the entertainment for Jonah and Maddie. The two youngun's were thrilled with him, so I didn't have the heart to "take him away." Instead I just stayed in there and hung out with them. I think I picked him up for about a minute before something or other happened. I just gave up after that.

Some things were said that I think I took the wrong way. I just got upset, but I didn't want to show it. Not even after we got home. I guess I just didn't want to get into into it. But sometimes people make me feel like they think I'm going to be a bad mom. I was so terrified last night. I was talking to someone about some of the concerns others had raised - about how I'm going to need so much help once the babies are here, that I won't function and have no sleep. I know working in a daycare is different, and having four six-week old and up infants by myself is not the same as having two newborns round the clock. I know that I have "no idea" of what it's going to be like once they're here. But does everyone have to make it sound like I'm not capable of caring for my own children? The person I was talking to last night told me how she had been so active during her pregnancy - working all day, and then going to the gym and working out so that she didn't get to bed until 10. When she had her baby, it was like down time - getting to relax. With me, I've got all this down time now (since I'm not working), that it will be the opposite. Basically, that I'll get thrown into being busy all the time and therefore lose my mind, or not know how to handle it (not her words, but what I got as the implication.) She agreed that I'm going to need a lot of help in the beginning, while it was "easy" for her. Donna has repeatedly told me that I'm going to need so much help, that I don't understand how hard it will be, that I won't be able to cope with two little ones. She keeps talking about how I won't sleep, and won't function, and just won't be able to do it. While not to the extreme that Donna has said, both Ben's mom and dad have agreed that I'm going to need a lot of help at the beginning. His mom keeps saying that she'll be here (has even told me that she'll help me figure out how to breastfeed), that even if she's not here and I need help, she's only a phone call away (since she lives right across town.) Ben is getting frustrated. He feels as I do - that everyone believes that we won't be able to make it as parents. Like no one has faith in us. I guess after so many "parent" people saying these things, it was just another blow when it came from the mouth of the woman I was talking to last night. And then, of course, I foolishly told her how Donna had said she was nervous for me when it came to Post Partum Depression. Since I've had to be on medication before. I also said that since getting pregnant, I haven't needed the medication. I viewed this as a positive. Until she told me about a friend of hers, who was basically the same. She'd been on meds, got pregnant, didn't need them, and then once the baby was born, sank into a deep depression. She had to stop breastfeeding so she could go on medication. The girl I was talking to would go over to her house to help out, and never saw her not in tears. And then another woman mentioned a girl at the church who'd had her parents come in shifts, so that she was never alone with her baby.

Do people honestly not understand what these kinds of stories will do to me? That while I sit here and wonder about all the things that can hurt my children, and worry and stress about them getting hurt, that now I'll be terrified that it's going to be me who is their biggest threat?? I went to bed thinking about what I would do if I got so depressed I lost my mind and killed one of them. I can see myself, sitting in a psych ward, just crying all day. How could I ever live with myself if I was the one who'd hurt them? I don't want this pregnancy to end. I'm terrified of bringing them home. I pray and beg God to protect them, to protect me and allow me to escape Post Partum. But I'm still so scared of being alone with them. What if everyone else is right? What if I'm going to be a horrible mother? What if I can't cope and lose my mind? What if I sink so low that I can't even look at them? Instead of being thrilled, and happily looking forward to beginning my dream job of stay-at-home mom, I now don't want them to come. I'm afraid I can't prove everyone wrong, and I'll just end up a story on the news, a story in the church, a knowledge in everyone else's heads that they were right all along. How am I supposed to keep going, when each day brings me closer to horror? I have so many things flying through my head right now, and I don't know how to make them stop. Instead I'll just sit here and continue to sob, and fearfully pray. I trust God. I know He can do anything. But I'm so scared He'll say no, or just keep silent and let everyone else be right.

Fourteen Weeks Five Days/Two Lemons

There hasn't been a whole lot going on this week, baby wise. We've been trying to get everything together for the yard sale tomorrow, and that's taken up a lot of time. I still have yet to actually tag everything with prices. I tell myself when I go to bed "Oh, I'll do that tomorrow." And then of course, I forget the second I wake up. So, along with a bunch of other things I'd planned, it has yet to be done.

My memory is completely shot. I forget so many words while I'm talking, or where I put things. If it weren't for Ben, the cats probably wouldn't get fed! Speaking of cats, Eppi is being such a little cuddle bug. Every morning she crawls into my lap and makes kitty paws and just purrs and purrs and purrs. If I move from room to room, she follows me - just to curl up at my feet when I stop moving. While the boys stay in the bathroom windows or on the cat tree, she sleeps on the bed while I'm on the computer. She's gotten so attached to me, and it makes me feel really good. The boys aren't cuddlers, at least not with me. They love Ben. Belkar only curls up with him, and Mems likes both of us. But Ben picks him up to cuddle more. Eppi is a mommy's girl. She almost never cuddles Ben (only his pants ... we find her curled up in his pants at least once a day. She'll even jump into the hamper to do it...) but she spends a lot of her day curled up with me. Even though she's given Bugga a nervous complex, I'm glad that we got her. (Poor boy licks his fur off. And he's gotten very skittish. We think it's because she likes to play with him - but she plays by dive bombing and chasing him around everywhere.) Right now she's at the edge of the bed, sleeping away. If I were to get up to go to the kitchen (or take a shower, which I really need to do...), she'd wake up and follow me. She's a sweet girl when she wants to be.

I think the beginning of my pregnancy spoiled me. I got used to going to the doctor once a week, and getting an ultrasound. Now it's so very hard to wait to see them again. My mind jumps to the worst things, and it's not until I see those two little heartbeats that I finally calm down. I have yet to hear them, but just the flickers make me feel so much better. When I went to the doctor last week, I found out I had actually lost weight. Which was not what I expected - since my stomach looks bigger. At least now I know it's not just me, but I've got some baby belly too! I was excited. My next appointment is Wednesday and I'm so anxious. While I want to hear the heartbeats, I'd feel so sad that Ben would miss out on it. ... I wonder if they do recordings...

My emotions are nutty. I cry over the littlest things. I really need to stop reading The Bump. Just this morning I stumbled across someone commenting support to another woman who lost her baby at 16 weeks. I just burst into tears. I would always feel empathy and compassion for women who had to endure that, but I don't think it was until now that I could even remotely understand the true pain of it. Just the thought of something happening to one of them makes my heart twist. I don't know how these women do it. I can't imagine getting out of bed for weeks at a time. How do you recover from something like that? And then to read stories about babies who don't make it past the first few weeks... To have protected them for 9 months, to feel them moving, and go through delivery, and start to get to know them ... just to lose them. How do you survive that? It seems like the pain would get worse the older the child is. The longer you've known them, the more you can remember exactly what it is you're missing. A few months, a year, five, ten. The dreams you had for them, the dreams they had that you wanted to see them acheive. How do you survive losing your 28 year old son? This man that you raised and poured yourself into, who shared his dreams and hopes and aspirations with you. This adult, who will forever be your baby ... how can you ever get past that pain? I am so filled with fear. I'm not special. I'm not a better person than anyone else. Why would I deserve to miss out on that kind of pain when others have to endure it everyday of their lives? But I know I couldn't survive it. Even now. With this tiny life that I have never met, never felt, never heard ... it would destroy me to lose one of them. How could I survive for the other? Would my grief harm the living child? Oh God ... what if it were both? How could I survive the death of both my children? These are the things that fill my mind on a daily basis. These are the terrors that plague me. I try to let go, to trust God and know that He will not put me through anything I can not handle ... but I don't know how to stop the fears. I don't know how to break free. When I talk about it, all I'm told is not to think about it. That everything is going to be fine, or to trust in God. It seems like the only one who doesn't just brush it off is Ben. But I try not to worry him. I just can't stop worrying myself...

Thirteen Weeks One Day/Two Peaches

I'm so upset with myself that I missed last week. There were a few days when I kept saying "I should post today." But then I would get distracted, and it never happened. So I missed a fruit-stage of development. :( No record of my two plums.

I'm super excited for this week, though. Today is officially the first day of my second trimester!! Things should start calming down in the side-effects department (if I'm lucky). I'm hoping the morning sickness dwindles. It's not fun to feel ill after every meal. :/ But Ben and I went to get some more preggie pops, as I'd run out. So at least I should be somewhat ok if I'm one of the women who's sick all pregnancy long.

Speaking of sick, I've got some sort of chest cold. Coughing fits (that nearly bring about vomiting...ick), sore throat, stuffy nose. It's changing my voice and I sound really funny. I say masculine, Ben says "Phoebe's sexy sick voice." lol. It's difficult to talk, especially in the morning. Sometimes when I just wake up all I can make are squeaks. The worst part is that I can't take anything for it. There are conflicting reports on the internet about cough drops, so I'm staying away from them. All I'm doing is drinking tea (or orange juice), using VapoRub (which my wonderful husband walked to the store yesterday to buy for me), and trying to stick to non-hurtful foods. Donna is coming by today with her homemade chicken soup and I am soooo excited for it. I haven't had any in a while. The sweetest part is, she hadn't made it for her and Dad so she had leftovers - she made it special for me and Ben when she found out yesterday that I wasn't feeling well. She says it will be the babies' first taste of grandma's soup. ^_^ I had been wanting soup, but I read that I can't have soup from a can. So I was really clueless as to what to do (since I wasn't feeling up to making any myself, and Ben has no clue on how to make it.) Donna's making some for us is such a blessing!

Ok, back to babies. ^_^ I've looked at a couple pictures, and they're starting to look like real babies now! As compared to the abnormally-big-head stages. Tomorrow I have another appointment with my doctor, and I can't wait to see how they're doing. I'm hoping to hear heartbeats this time!! I know I'm going to cry. I nearly did just seeing the little flickers on the screen the past few times. I so can't wait! I love taking home pictures to share with Ben and others. He gets so cute when he talks about them. We've come up with nicknames for them (other than Thing 1 and Thing 2 with me being Mama Cat in the Hat...) since I thought the others sounded mean before the explanation of where the names were from. (Plus I just didn't want numbers in there...) So now we have Nemo and Nudge. Nemo because they've got to.... just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin, swim swim... lol. And Nudge since they're both going to be my little Nudgers. I can't wait to feel them moving!

This Friday is my birthday. I think this is the most excited I've ever been for a birthday. Not because of getting presents, but because it very well may be my only pregnant birthday. Every holiday seems just a little sweeter now. :) Even though I was sweltering, the Fourth of July was a happy experience for me. I look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tom and Jamie's wedding ... I'm hoping to be somewhat big by then, so I can be the "Lauren" of their wedding (Lauren was preggers at mine. ^_^). Even Halloween seems exciting this year. I guess I'm just too happy - everything has this sort of glow about it in my mind. I can't even imagine what our first anniversary is going to be like!!

Donna actually stopped by in the middle of my writing. I only mention it because she said it's the first time I look pregnant. That made my day! ^_^

We should be moving soon. I can't wait to paint the babies' room. I've been thinking about doing murals on the walls. I know of at least one very talented artist who I'm sure would be thrilled to help out. ;) One of the biggest pluses of moving is that we can finally invite people over. I feel awful that I haven't gotten to see much of my friends. But I really can't have anyone over here, and I'm not about to invite myself to their homes! I'm really looking forward to having another couple over for dinner and playing that Spouse-ology game we got at the marriage conference.

So many changes going on in my life. And all of them are positive. Really, how many more blessings could God possibly bestow?

Eleven Weeks, Four Days/Two Limes

Well, I'm much happier with the 11 week size than last week's! lol. What can I say, I really like limes. :P

Ben had his first "Daddy" panic yesterday. He didn't give me a lot of detail, since it happened while he was at work and away from me. All he said was that he started worrying about being a good Dad and money, that sort of thing. All I could say was that God gave us these two little ones. He wouldn't have done that if He knew we wouldn't be able to properly care for his blessings. Which I guess was what kept running through Ben's mind when he started getting nervous. He said he spent a lot of time praying about it.

I must admit, I've had my own worry moments. Well ... freak out moments, really. I'll get this sick feeling in my stomach as I start thinking about something going wrong with the pregnancy, or when they're little. Being on the bump doesn't really help in these situations. I've read stories about people leaving their babies in the car (these were in Florida .. the stories all had sad endings), one about a one week old twin needing surgery, and not making it (leaving the mom to take one baby home to a nursery filled with two of everything), women who make it to 22 weeks just to lose their babies then, not to mention the heartbreaking story of my friend Melissa (which I will not post here, out of respect for her.) Just today I read a post about a women carrying twins who endured a gush of blood at 12 weeks. Really not what I need to see right now! I'm two days away from being at 12 weeks myself. They say once you're past your 12th week, you're pretty much set as far as the miscarriage thing goes. But I've read so many stories to the contrary. I've spent more than one night crying over the fear of losing even one of my peanuts.

I'm sure I'm not so different from other first-time pregnant women. With no idea of what to expect, everything runs through your mind. Unfortunately, I'm the type to think of the worst. I stress over every little thing that could go wrong. What if we make it through the pregnancy, all the way to full term, and then once we get home something happens to one of them? What if we get into a car accident? Car seats are supposed to protect them, but how much can they really do? It's in these moments that I should follow Ben's lead and just start to pray. But most of the time I can't break myself out of it. It seems like the only thing I do pray about lately is the babies. That they'll be healthy. That we'll make it to full term. That I make the right choices now to give them everything they need to grow properly. I'm constantly thinking about what to eat, how much to eat, how to lie down ... Everything in my mind is centered on them. I've laid on my stomach once since I found out I was pregnant, and that was only so Ben could rub my back. I try not to lie on my back or my stomach, make sure I don't eat more than one serving of fish per week, try to make sure I'm getting enough calcium and protein and fruits and veggies ... I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin one day and nearly cried when I realized it the next.

I'm so scared that I'll do something wrong and hurt or hinder one of my children.

I really do have the best husband when it comes to all this, though. Ben has turned into such a mother hen. I wince and he's instantly asking me what I need or what he can do to help. I mention that something sounds good, and he goes to find it for me. We were at Kevin and Karen's and I mused that I wanted a cup of milk. I figured I'd get it when we got home, right? Wrong. Without my realizing it, he went to find Karen and when she said it was ok, went into the kitchen to get one for me. When he came back with it, I told him that I wasn't saying it so he'd get it for me. He responded with this look and "Please. That's why I'm here." He wants to do everything he can, and it's just so sweet. I know I'm blessed. There are plenty of women on the bump who post about their husbands not understanding, or just ignoring the things they ask for. One of the many reasons I love Ben is because he's such a caretaker, and so tenderhearted. I know he's going to be a wonderful father, because he's just such an amazing husband.

I've got a little while to go before my next appointment, but I'm so excited. It's such a thrill to get to see my little ones growing, to see the changes from the last time I saw them. And I can't wait to gush about the experience of hearing two heartbeats for the first time!

Til next time!

Ten Weeks Four Days/Two Prunes

I'm not too fond of this stage of development - only because my babies are compared to prunes!! All the others seem to be ok, but I just get this wrinkle-the-nose feeling when I read about them being the size of prunes. As far as the comparisons go, it's only for length (after all, later on they go from a melon to a banana. Or something like that) and the babes are about an inch/inch and a quarter right now. It's hard to picture. Sometimes I forget that I'm pregnant. For about a minute. But it's only because I don't have that "constant reminder" yet. No belly, no movements. Plenty of morning sickness though!

I woke up last night with the worst taste in the back of my throat. I actually couldn't sleep because of it. I've read on thebump.com about a bad taste being a side effect of pregnancy, but that was the first time I'd ever experienced it. So I got up to get a Preggie Pop Drop, and that got rid of the taste enough that I could go back to sleep. Not to mention I prayed the whole time I was sucking on it that God would prevent me from having that symptom again! I prayed that the taste would be a "distant memory" when I woke in the morning, and luckily I really can't remember too much of the actual taste. Just that it was awful. The morning sickness hasn't been to the point where I vomit, but I do have quite a bit of the nausea. I don't really mind it though. That or the tiredness, or the hard time sleeping. These are my constant reminders for now. I know I complain to Ben (especially about being uncomfortable in the heat) but I really am enjoying my pregnancy. I love when each new week starts and I get to look up what's going on with my lil buns now - how much they've grown, what's beginning to work, how much they're moving.

Speaking of moving ... this past Monday I had to go out to Hartford. Twins are considered high risk pregnancy, so I had to go talk to the high risk doctors at St. Francis. Donna drove me out there (it took about an hour), so we got to talk and hang out. We had to sit in the waiting room for a long time (got there early, and they were about half an hour late calling me in) but when we finally got settled in the room, the nurse (named Becky, haha) used the best ultrasound machine to check on my peanuts. We got to see their heartbeats (167 and 170, first time I found out how fast they were, and Donna's first time seeing them - it was still too early to hear them, though), but more importantly, I watched my babies move around! I'd never seen them moving before. No spinning and twisting like the girls on the bump talk about, but I got to see little arms waving, and mini sit ups. I nearly teared up... but I didn't want to be all sappy. I'm trying not to cry so easily, but it isn't working. (Ben and I watched Bolt over the weekend and even though I'd seen it before and didn't cry then, I totally cried at the end of it this time)

Then the doctor came in and talked about the "risks" with twins - the same as the risks for any pregnancy, just a little bit higher, since there are two babies to potentially throw wrenches in the mix. He also said that if I can make it to an "acceptable" gestation week, then I can deliver at Day Kimball! I only want to because it's so close to home. He told me that if I were to go to St. Francis at, say, week 20 and I was having contractions or this and that was showing up on the ultrasound, then they would admit me there. And if I were to go into labor too early at home, then Day Kimball would send me up to the hospital in Worcester (since it's the closest one with a good NICU). So we're praying that these two little ones hold out for a good long time. Oh, I also found out that full term for twins is 36 weeks (twins actually develop faster, like they know that they won't make it to the full 40!), and they won't let me go past 38 weeks. So I'll definitely be having these guys in January at the latest! I'd love to make it to 36 weeks. I want them to be healthy.

I'm going to try to start packing with whatever boxes I can find, since we'll be moving next month!! I can't wait to move and have more room, and be able to work on the nursery!! Life is so good. ^_^

Nine Weeks Three Days/Two Green Olives

Today I decided to change my blog from just me to about my pregnancy. I have a feeling that some of my daily life will jump in every now and then, but I'd like to have some sort of focus. (I'm not erasing the old posts, since I was not yet preggers then. It will be sort of a then-to-now type thing.) I'd read somewhere that keeping a journal of your pregnancy is a good idea, since you tend to forget things, or miss out on what is so great about what you're going through right then. I kept telling myself that I needed to get another diary or little notebook, and then I remembered that I had this blog.

I'll title each post with how far along I am, and the size the babies are according to length of time. (I love thebump.com for the forums and for all the information on what's going on in each week. I love seeing how my twins grow - even if it's just compared to fruits and veggies!)

I'm in my third month, and thus far I've been pretty lucky as far as symptoms go. Morning sickness hits occassionally - when I'm hungry or have just eaten. No vomiting from it, I just get sick to my stomach. I get tired so quickly now, and the length of time between getting hungry has just about disappeared! My stomach rumbles hours before it used to, but I also fill up faster than I did. When before I would eat a sandwich, fruit, chips, granola bar, fruit snacks, and crackers for lunch, I now have a sandwich and a handful of chips or some fruit and I'm done. It's funny, I expected to eat so much more. Maybe I am eating more, it just doesn't look it because of my getting hungrier earlier. I worry sometimes that I'm not getting enough calories in. I'm supposed to be eating an additional 600 calories a day - 300 per baby. And then I worry about nutrients and if I'm getting all the vitamins the babies need. I take my prenatal, but I'm still nervous.

I'm also not sleeping well at night. I hear that's pretty common. Though, that has always been common with me. When I first got pregnant, I was so wiped by the end of the day that sleeping was not a problem. I was out before Ben, and sleeping through the night. Now I toss and turn like I used to, wake up multiple times and can't get back to sleep. Maybe my body is just getting me ready for when the babies are here and I never sleep! lol. I used to never be able to nap unless I was sick. When I first got prego, I actually napped. Which was such a shocker. I haven't recently, just because of my issues sleeping. But that is something I wouldn't be upset getting again!

Ben has always called me his vampire - I've always leaned toward being cold. I've turned into such a warmie since the twins came along! The summer heat is uncomfortable and has made me cry more than once. A/C is a blessing, and I find myself in desperate need of air conditioning every day. Especially with this crazy heat wave that we've been getting. It's awful! It hit 102 the other day!! I bury myself in the bedroom (the only room in the apartment with a/c) and spend the majority of my day in there. Unless I manage to make it to a friend's pool. Pools are lovely. I've found a new appreciation for them. ^_^

Oh! Ben and I decided on our Halloween costumes this year. We're both going to be nuns. LOL! A pregnant nun and a male nun. We were cracking up about it last night. I figure in October I should have some belly, right? I'll be at the end of my second trimester.

That's one thing I just can't wait for. I want the big belly so it's obvious that I'm prego. ^_^ I'll probably get it later than most (being overweight and having your own belly to begin with is probably gonna hide a baby belly), but I'm excited. I plan on making my own maternity shirts. I've got the transfers. Somewhere ... I've just got to find them. Speaking of, I should really stop writing now and get to cleaning. The apartment isn't exactly at it's prettiest.

Til next time!

I Will Not Fall, Will Not Let It Go

Well, so much for keeping on the blog. Once again, I've let it fall to the wayside. It seems like every time I start up a blog, I keep going pretty well to begin with. Then I just forget about it. Or have no ideas on what to write. That's kind of how I feel now. I don't really know what to make this entry about. Mainly because this is a public forum. There are things, parts of my life, that only Ben and I are aware of. Things that I'm not ready to share with the world just yet. I have these questions swimming through my brain, and until they are answered I just can't say anything. I'll try to make this entry worth something, but no promises, eh?

Saturday is Jack's birthday. He would have been 30 this year. Saturday marks three years. There's still a part of me that is bitter. I feel like he stole from me, from my children. But there's a huge part of me that is still buried in grief. I don't know how to handle it. I talked to Tom about doing a memorial tattoo. I tried to explain how I felt, why Jack is so important to me. He asked for time. Said it was a sensitive subject. I understand -  I know Tom felt really close to Jack, spent so much time at their house when he was younger that he viewed Ben and Jack as brothers. Words cannot describe how awful I felt when Tom said he needed time. It's like I plucked a chord of pain. I have to wonder if was upset that I miss Jack - that I, who never knew him, would have the grief reserved for those in his situation - those who knew and loved him. I apologized, but I don't know what Tom is thinking. I'm afraid I've hurt him, or made him think less of me. I told Ben that Tom's opinion means a lot to me. I don't know why. Out of all Ben's friends, Tom and Nick's opinions mean something. That just made everything worse. Made me feel even more awful. I wish I could make it up to him, but I have no idea how. So now it's a waiting game. Not waiting for him to do my tattoo, waiting for a sign that he's ok with me. I haven't seen him since then, and I'm afraid to. I guess I'm just afraid of seeing something in his eyes that shows his respect for me has diminished.

I could be overthinking things, and I probably am, but this is a big worry at the moment.

Of course, another is PartyLite. I have such fears that I won't get off the ground with it, that I'll wake up and have gotten nowhere. I fear that I won't make any sort of income and that our lives will become harder. My stress level has risen. I worry about bills and what would happen should I become pregnant. We already have some debt hanging over our heads. Not to mention we really have no room for a child. When I begin thinking about these things, I try to just pray and let go. I know God is going to take care of us. I know that we will survive and everything will be ok. But me - being glass-is-half-empty girl - I tend to see the horrible things and not the good. Sometimes letting go is one of the hardest things to do. It's then that I have to remind myself that it's ok to hold on. As long as what I'm clinging to is God. Still, that tends to be difficult for me. I just don't know how to lose the worries that plague my mind.

And yet, I haven't been happier since I got fired.

I love being at home. I hate cleaning, but I love to clean up our apartment. For Ben to come home and tell me that the things he planned on doing once he got in from work are already finished gives me a real sense of accomplishment. I like that now he can come home and relax instead of coming home to clean up. I like that I make his life a little easier. I like that I get to have random kitty cuddles throughout the day. I feel like they show me more affection now that I'm home with them. Makes me think of being a stay-at-home mom. ^_^

It's the weekend. I love weekends because I get to have time with Ben. I miss him while he's working. But I'm so proud of what he does for us. My husband will do anything he possibly can to take care of his family. I am so very blessed to have him. I never thought my perfect man existed. I really thought that my list would be impossible to complete. And then I met him. He opened my eyes to true love, showed me what I had been missing. He pushes me in my relationship with God, speaks blessings into my life and the lives of others. I have had more than one woman comment "Oh d**m he's taken!" That always gives me the biggest smile, because others see the value in my husband. They see how wonderful he is, and it makes me proud to know he chose me as his mate.

No matter what the worries or stresses, I love my life and everyone in it.

Follow the White Rabbit

I seem to keep forgetting that I have this. I don't spend a lot of time on my computer, at least comperable to some other people I know. No Facebook addiction, or Twitter friends. Having a blog at all is pretty big, I guess. Though when I first mentioned it on my Facebook, I was asked what it was about. All I said was "my thoughts." I know people keep blogs as weight loss motivators, or to let everyone know what's going on with their family. But sometimes I just need a place to let myself ramble. I don't really have any purpose for these posts, just to do them.

I know I'm just a newlywed, but I don't understand how people can hate their spouses. Or get to the point that they just don't care. I was listening to the radio the other day, where the woman was going around asking people to share their secrets. When I tuned in, she was speaking to a woman who said she'd cheated. The radio girl's response was "so what, everyone does." so the woman said it was multiple times with multiple people. I was so disturbed by this. How could these people be so flippant about affairs? Our society has become so filled with cheating that no one seems to care anymore. On House, Wilson and his wife are both having affairs, and when she leaves, he says to House, "Maybe I'm dealing with something and I need to talk with my friend." Dealing with something? You cheated on your wife, and she left. In fact, he has three failed marriages - did they all end because of cheating?

How many movies, and TV shows, and books are filled with affairs. Our world has become numb to people stepping out. It's no scandal anymore, and it makes me so sad. How can people not value a marriage? People of all ages enter into marriage, thinking that they have a way out - if this doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce. You're just setting yourself up to fail! If you don't value your marriage, why the hell are you entering into it in the first place?! You don't "fall out of love" you stop trying. You give up. Love is not an emotion, it's a commitment. Marriage takes work. It's an effort. But you do it because you choose to love that person for the rest of your life.

I feel such a rage about these people who hold no value in their marriages. People who don't care about the sanctity of marriage - those in them and those not in them - make me absolutely furious. I can feel myself getting so worked up.

And for that I think I need to stop writing now... By the way, the title had nothing to do with the post itself.

No, you DON'T understand. He's my brother. He was supposed to be my brother.

I find myself thinking about Jack a lot. Well, I wouldn't say a lot. But I do think about him now and then. I don't think anyone I speak to really understands how I feel. Sure, they can empathize; but they just can't ever really understand. I have these awesome friends, a few who have become like a sister to me. But it's just not the same. My whole life it's been just me. I never had someone to go through childhood with, someone who would have the same parents to grumble about, someone who had been there on all the family vacations and who fought with me.

Jack was my one chance to have a brother. Love him or hate him, close or distant, there was going to be that familial tie that could never be broken. No matter how I felt about him, he'd be my brother. I think I'd rather he be here, but someone I hated and wanted no contact with than the way things are. It's sad that I so want a sibling that I would wish for one I couldn't stand.

I miss him. I hear stories about the way he was - his pros and cons, his troublemaking, his sweetness. I see him in my head sometimes. I look at pictures and wonder - what would it have been like to actually have known him? There's a part of me that's so angry with him for taking away my only chance to hear "I love you, sis" and have the term actually be true. There's a part of me that is so angry with him for taking away my children's uncle. Their only chance for real cousins. But there's this part of me that is just broken hearted. A piece of my family is missing. How can I not grieve for my brother?

When we first started dating, Ben told me that Jack would have like me. That he wouldn't have liked his former girlfriend, which he'd known when he was dating her. But that Jack would have really like me. I think of that conversation and it breaks my heart. I hear about how the funeral hall that was bursting from those who loved him, and I wonder how he could have felt so alone. How could he have left all of us behind? All of us who love him?

No one understands, but I love him. He was my brother. I was made for Ben. From birth, Ben was my husband - it was who he was destined to be. Jack was destined to be my brother. And I love him because of that. I miss my brother. I miss my Jack. It hurts to stand at his grave, so overflowing with mementos and gifts of those still grieving for him. To look down at a name on a stone and know that I will never see his face. Never hear his voice.

People tell me I miss an imagination. That I can't really grieve for someone I never knew. But my heart is broken, and there are days when all I want to do is see my brother's face. To just once, hear his voice and know that my family isn't horribly broken.


My children will be blessed with aunts and uncles and cousins in those friends we hold dear. Familial ties extend beyond blood. But I so would have loved for them to have those family ties...

New Beginnings

While not my first post, it may as well seem like it. I'd had this blog back in '07, and here we are three years later. Things have changed since then, and when I read my old posts it brought back memories, and made me so happy that I am no longer in that stage of my life. Every post was full of self loathing and pain. And comments from the one I thought I'd loved that I can now see for what they truly were - vicious manipulation of a man child who wanted a mommy instead of a girlfriend. Again, so glad I'm not there anymore.


My life is wonderful. I love my husband, the one perfect person that God made for me. I have never in my life felt as completely and unconditionally loved as I have with him. Ben has shown me what True Love is. He is my knight in shining armor, my prince, my soulmate. And no one could hope for more than I have with him.


I only hope he can fully appreciate the way I feel for him. I know sometimes I get caught up with what I want in the future. A house, dogs, babies. But right now is so amazingly perfect. I think reading my old blog really helped to show me that. I have come so far, from a world of turmoil and hurt to this beautiful home of pure love. Ben, my other half, my perfect mate, you are the most wonderful person I have ever known and I am so very blessed to be you wife. 5 months, one week, and counting. <3 I adore you.


Currently I have my baby girl lying on my left arm, purring contentedly. Makes things a little hard to type, but since Little Miss has been not so cuddly as of late, I'm taking it! Eponine is a wonderful addition to our family. The cutest little baby face hiding the psycho child within. Crazier than Belkar, she is. And while she may not be as fluffy as Remy, she gives him a run for his money in the cute department. (Though Mems has been acting like a little Mr. Cutie Face lately) We've had our baby girl for a month and a half now. And she fit in perfectly from day one.


I love my family. My husband, my three sweet kitties, and everyone else who's now mixed in from my side and his. For years I dreamed of this - this perfect union. Sometimes it takes my breath away to know that I finally have it.




I love my life.