Well, I missed another week. Time just seemed to keep slipping away from me, and I'd forget to hop on here. No record of my two navel oranges, and of course last week was a time that so many things were happening!!
Where to begin ... well the shortest update is from the morning I woke up and felt a thumping down where the babies are. Of course, it turned out to be my own heartbeat I was feeling (talk about huge disappointment!) but for a second I thought it was one or both of them. It happened again a couple days later (only when I wake in a certain postion) but I didn't get excited the second time. So at least it wasn't a second crash down to disappointment!
The other update from last week is the second appointment at Hartford. I had a nice group with me - Nikki, Mike, and Nic. It definitely made for a fun drive! Also, waiting didn't seem to take as long, I think because I just kept chattering away with Nikki. I could tell as soon as the ultrasound started that they looked bigger. Every other time I had gotten an ultrasound, I could see their whole bodies on the screen. This time, it was from the waist up. The nurse had to move in increments to get all the measurements! She kept saying that they were "absolutely stunning" haha. But we did get to see little profiles. The pictures we got were of their faces, though Nudge's pics were blurry. I'm thinking someone doesn't know how to sit still... lol. Perhaps a hint for the future? Anyways, the best part of the day was when we got to hear the heartbeats. Nikki recorded them on her phone and sent them to me, so I could play them for Ben. According to the "old wives tale" - we'll be having two girls. Both were over 140 bpm. Nemo was 150, Nudge was 162. The last time the heartbeats were measured, they were 167 and 170 respectively. But I guess sometimes they slow down? The nurse wasn't worried. Nikki was thrilled to see "her babies" and I think she was more excited than I was! Once the other three left the room, the nurse had to measure my cervix, and I was relieved to see that it wasn't thinning. I hadn't actually thought that it was, but I know it's a possibility, and after some of the stories I've heard, it's one less thing off my mind.
That was about it for last week, as far as the babies go. Ben and I had a date night to go see Grease at the theatre, since Krissy got us tickets for my birthday. He'd never seen it, so the play was completely new to him. We really enjoyed it, and the night out was greatly appreciated. We don't have much money for dates.
There hasn't been much going on this week. I went to Nikki's house yesterday and the day before. I'd visited with Lauren, Nick, and Vivy on Monday. Today I don't have any plans, but I know there's a bunch to be done around the house ... if only I can find the motivation. I woke up with a headache again, and I'm wondering if the change in weather is affecting me. That was always a trigger for my migraines, but so far it seems to be dwindling instead of getting worse. Hopefully by the time I shower, it'll have disappeared completely...
Last night we went to Mini Church, and it was just a chatty sort of night. Too dreary for swimming, everyone was inside - mostly in the kitchen. Everything was going well; my hands were itching to hold little baby Elijah. By the time I felt comfortable enough to ask, he was in the living room, being the entertainment for Jonah and Maddie. The two youngun's were thrilled with him, so I didn't have the heart to "take him away." Instead I just stayed in there and hung out with them. I think I picked him up for about a minute before something or other happened. I just gave up after that.
Some things were said that I think I took the wrong way. I just got upset, but I didn't want to show it. Not even after we got home. I guess I just didn't want to get into into it. But sometimes people make me feel like they think I'm going to be a bad mom. I was so terrified last night. I was talking to someone about some of the concerns others had raised - about how I'm going to need so much help once the babies are here, that I won't function and have no sleep. I know working in a daycare is different, and having four six-week old and up infants by myself is not the same as having two newborns round the clock. I know that I have "no idea" of what it's going to be like once they're here. But does everyone have to make it sound like I'm not capable of caring for my own children? The person I was talking to last night told me how she had been so active during her pregnancy - working all day, and then going to the gym and working out so that she didn't get to bed until 10. When she had her baby, it was like down time - getting to relax. With me, I've got all this down time now (since I'm not working), that it will be the opposite. Basically, that I'll get thrown into being busy all the time and therefore lose my mind, or not know how to handle it (not her words, but what I got as the implication.) She agreed that I'm going to need a lot of help in the beginning, while it was "easy" for her. Donna has repeatedly told me that I'm going to need so much help, that I don't understand how hard it will be, that I won't be able to cope with two little ones. She keeps talking about how I won't sleep, and won't function, and just won't be able to do it. While not to the extreme that Donna has said, both Ben's mom and dad have agreed that I'm going to need a lot of help at the beginning. His mom keeps saying that she'll be here (has even told me that she'll help me figure out how to breastfeed), that even if she's not here and I need help, she's only a phone call away (since she lives right across town.) Ben is getting frustrated. He feels as I do - that everyone believes that we won't be able to make it as parents. Like no one has faith in us. I guess after so many "parent" people saying these things, it was just another blow when it came from the mouth of the woman I was talking to last night. And then, of course, I foolishly told her how Donna had said she was nervous for me when it came to Post Partum Depression. Since I've had to be on medication before. I also said that since getting pregnant, I haven't needed the medication. I viewed this as a positive. Until she told me about a friend of hers, who was basically the same. She'd been on meds, got pregnant, didn't need them, and then once the baby was born, sank into a deep depression. She had to stop breastfeeding so she could go on medication. The girl I was talking to would go over to her house to help out, and never saw her not in tears. And then another woman mentioned a girl at the church who'd had her parents come in shifts, so that she was never alone with her baby.
Do people honestly not understand what these kinds of stories will do to me? That while I sit here and wonder about all the things that can hurt my children, and worry and stress about them getting hurt, that now I'll be terrified that it's going to be me who is their biggest threat?? I went to bed thinking about what I would do if I got so depressed I lost my mind and killed one of them. I can see myself, sitting in a psych ward, just crying all day. How could I ever live with myself if I was the one who'd hurt them? I don't want this pregnancy to end. I'm terrified of bringing them home. I pray and beg God to protect them, to protect me and allow me to escape Post Partum. But I'm still so scared of being alone with them. What if everyone else is right? What if I'm going to be a horrible mother? What if I can't cope and lose my mind? What if I sink so low that I can't even look at them? Instead of being thrilled, and happily looking forward to beginning my dream job of stay-at-home mom, I now don't want them to come. I'm afraid I can't prove everyone wrong, and I'll just end up a story on the news, a story in the church, a knowledge in everyone else's heads that they were right all along. How am I supposed to keep going, when each day brings me closer to horror? I have so many things flying through my head right now, and I don't know how to make them stop. Instead I'll just sit here and continue to sob, and fearfully pray. I trust God. I know He can do anything. But I'm so scared He'll say no, or just keep silent and let everyone else be right.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Fourteen Weeks Five Days/Two Lemons
There hasn't been a whole lot going on this week, baby wise. We've been trying to get everything together for the yard sale tomorrow, and that's taken up a lot of time. I still have yet to actually tag everything with prices. I tell myself when I go to bed "Oh, I'll do that tomorrow." And then of course, I forget the second I wake up. So, along with a bunch of other things I'd planned, it has yet to be done.
My memory is completely shot. I forget so many words while I'm talking, or where I put things. If it weren't for Ben, the cats probably wouldn't get fed! Speaking of cats, Eppi is being such a little cuddle bug. Every morning she crawls into my lap and makes kitty paws and just purrs and purrs and purrs. If I move from room to room, she follows me - just to curl up at my feet when I stop moving. While the boys stay in the bathroom windows or on the cat tree, she sleeps on the bed while I'm on the computer. She's gotten so attached to me, and it makes me feel really good. The boys aren't cuddlers, at least not with me. They love Ben. Belkar only curls up with him, and Mems likes both of us. But Ben picks him up to cuddle more. Eppi is a mommy's girl. She almost never cuddles Ben (only his pants ... we find her curled up in his pants at least once a day. She'll even jump into the hamper to do it...) but she spends a lot of her day curled up with me. Even though she's given Bugga a nervous complex, I'm glad that we got her. (Poor boy licks his fur off. And he's gotten very skittish. We think it's because she likes to play with him - but she plays by dive bombing and chasing him around everywhere.) Right now she's at the edge of the bed, sleeping away. If I were to get up to go to the kitchen (or take a shower, which I really need to do...), she'd wake up and follow me. She's a sweet girl when she wants to be.
I think the beginning of my pregnancy spoiled me. I got used to going to the doctor once a week, and getting an ultrasound. Now it's so very hard to wait to see them again. My mind jumps to the worst things, and it's not until I see those two little heartbeats that I finally calm down. I have yet to hear them, but just the flickers make me feel so much better. When I went to the doctor last week, I found out I had actually lost weight. Which was not what I expected - since my stomach looks bigger. At least now I know it's not just me, but I've got some baby belly too! I was excited. My next appointment is Wednesday and I'm so anxious. While I want to hear the heartbeats, I'd feel so sad that Ben would miss out on it. ... I wonder if they do recordings...
My emotions are nutty. I cry over the littlest things. I really need to stop reading The Bump. Just this morning I stumbled across someone commenting support to another woman who lost her baby at 16 weeks. I just burst into tears. I would always feel empathy and compassion for women who had to endure that, but I don't think it was until now that I could even remotely understand the true pain of it. Just the thought of something happening to one of them makes my heart twist. I don't know how these women do it. I can't imagine getting out of bed for weeks at a time. How do you recover from something like that? And then to read stories about babies who don't make it past the first few weeks... To have protected them for 9 months, to feel them moving, and go through delivery, and start to get to know them ... just to lose them. How do you survive that? It seems like the pain would get worse the older the child is. The longer you've known them, the more you can remember exactly what it is you're missing. A few months, a year, five, ten. The dreams you had for them, the dreams they had that you wanted to see them acheive. How do you survive losing your 28 year old son? This man that you raised and poured yourself into, who shared his dreams and hopes and aspirations with you. This adult, who will forever be your baby ... how can you ever get past that pain? I am so filled with fear. I'm not special. I'm not a better person than anyone else. Why would I deserve to miss out on that kind of pain when others have to endure it everyday of their lives? But I know I couldn't survive it. Even now. With this tiny life that I have never met, never felt, never heard ... it would destroy me to lose one of them. How could I survive for the other? Would my grief harm the living child? Oh God ... what if it were both? How could I survive the death of both my children? These are the things that fill my mind on a daily basis. These are the terrors that plague me. I try to let go, to trust God and know that He will not put me through anything I can not handle ... but I don't know how to stop the fears. I don't know how to break free. When I talk about it, all I'm told is not to think about it. That everything is going to be fine, or to trust in God. It seems like the only one who doesn't just brush it off is Ben. But I try not to worry him. I just can't stop worrying myself...
My memory is completely shot. I forget so many words while I'm talking, or where I put things. If it weren't for Ben, the cats probably wouldn't get fed! Speaking of cats, Eppi is being such a little cuddle bug. Every morning she crawls into my lap and makes kitty paws and just purrs and purrs and purrs. If I move from room to room, she follows me - just to curl up at my feet when I stop moving. While the boys stay in the bathroom windows or on the cat tree, she sleeps on the bed while I'm on the computer. She's gotten so attached to me, and it makes me feel really good. The boys aren't cuddlers, at least not with me. They love Ben. Belkar only curls up with him, and Mems likes both of us. But Ben picks him up to cuddle more. Eppi is a mommy's girl. She almost never cuddles Ben (only his pants ... we find her curled up in his pants at least once a day. She'll even jump into the hamper to do it...) but she spends a lot of her day curled up with me. Even though she's given Bugga a nervous complex, I'm glad that we got her. (Poor boy licks his fur off. And he's gotten very skittish. We think it's because she likes to play with him - but she plays by dive bombing and chasing him around everywhere.) Right now she's at the edge of the bed, sleeping away. If I were to get up to go to the kitchen (or take a shower, which I really need to do...), she'd wake up and follow me. She's a sweet girl when she wants to be.
I think the beginning of my pregnancy spoiled me. I got used to going to the doctor once a week, and getting an ultrasound. Now it's so very hard to wait to see them again. My mind jumps to the worst things, and it's not until I see those two little heartbeats that I finally calm down. I have yet to hear them, but just the flickers make me feel so much better. When I went to the doctor last week, I found out I had actually lost weight. Which was not what I expected - since my stomach looks bigger. At least now I know it's not just me, but I've got some baby belly too! I was excited. My next appointment is Wednesday and I'm so anxious. While I want to hear the heartbeats, I'd feel so sad that Ben would miss out on it. ... I wonder if they do recordings...
My emotions are nutty. I cry over the littlest things. I really need to stop reading The Bump. Just this morning I stumbled across someone commenting support to another woman who lost her baby at 16 weeks. I just burst into tears. I would always feel empathy and compassion for women who had to endure that, but I don't think it was until now that I could even remotely understand the true pain of it. Just the thought of something happening to one of them makes my heart twist. I don't know how these women do it. I can't imagine getting out of bed for weeks at a time. How do you recover from something like that? And then to read stories about babies who don't make it past the first few weeks... To have protected them for 9 months, to feel them moving, and go through delivery, and start to get to know them ... just to lose them. How do you survive that? It seems like the pain would get worse the older the child is. The longer you've known them, the more you can remember exactly what it is you're missing. A few months, a year, five, ten. The dreams you had for them, the dreams they had that you wanted to see them acheive. How do you survive losing your 28 year old son? This man that you raised and poured yourself into, who shared his dreams and hopes and aspirations with you. This adult, who will forever be your baby ... how can you ever get past that pain? I am so filled with fear. I'm not special. I'm not a better person than anyone else. Why would I deserve to miss out on that kind of pain when others have to endure it everyday of their lives? But I know I couldn't survive it. Even now. With this tiny life that I have never met, never felt, never heard ... it would destroy me to lose one of them. How could I survive for the other? Would my grief harm the living child? Oh God ... what if it were both? How could I survive the death of both my children? These are the things that fill my mind on a daily basis. These are the terrors that plague me. I try to let go, to trust God and know that He will not put me through anything I can not handle ... but I don't know how to stop the fears. I don't know how to break free. When I talk about it, all I'm told is not to think about it. That everything is going to be fine, or to trust in God. It seems like the only one who doesn't just brush it off is Ben. But I try not to worry him. I just can't stop worrying myself...
Monday, August 2, 2010
Thirteen Weeks One Day/Two Peaches
I'm so upset with myself that I missed last week. There were a few days when I kept saying "I should post today." But then I would get distracted, and it never happened. So I missed a fruit-stage of development. :( No record of my two plums.
I'm super excited for this week, though. Today is officially the first day of my second trimester!! Things should start calming down in the side-effects department (if I'm lucky). I'm hoping the morning sickness dwindles. It's not fun to feel ill after every meal. :/ But Ben and I went to get some more preggie pops, as I'd run out. So at least I should be somewhat ok if I'm one of the women who's sick all pregnancy long.
Speaking of sick, I've got some sort of chest cold. Coughing fits (that nearly bring about vomiting...ick), sore throat, stuffy nose. It's changing my voice and I sound really funny. I say masculine, Ben says "Phoebe's sexy sick voice." lol. It's difficult to talk, especially in the morning. Sometimes when I just wake up all I can make are squeaks. The worst part is that I can't take anything for it. There are conflicting reports on the internet about cough drops, so I'm staying away from them. All I'm doing is drinking tea (or orange juice), using VapoRub (which my wonderful husband walked to the store yesterday to buy for me), and trying to stick to non-hurtful foods. Donna is coming by today with her homemade chicken soup and I am soooo excited for it. I haven't had any in a while. The sweetest part is, she hadn't made it for her and Dad so she had leftovers - she made it special for me and Ben when she found out yesterday that I wasn't feeling well. She says it will be the babies' first taste of grandma's soup. ^_^ I had been wanting soup, but I read that I can't have soup from a can. So I was really clueless as to what to do (since I wasn't feeling up to making any myself, and Ben has no clue on how to make it.) Donna's making some for us is such a blessing!
Ok, back to babies. ^_^ I've looked at a couple pictures, and they're starting to look like real babies now! As compared to the abnormally-big-head stages. Tomorrow I have another appointment with my doctor, and I can't wait to see how they're doing. I'm hoping to hear heartbeats this time!! I know I'm going to cry. I nearly did just seeing the little flickers on the screen the past few times. I so can't wait! I love taking home pictures to share with Ben and others. He gets so cute when he talks about them. We've come up with nicknames for them (other than Thing 1 and Thing 2 with me being Mama Cat in the Hat...) since I thought the others sounded mean before the explanation of where the names were from. (Plus I just didn't want numbers in there...) So now we have Nemo and Nudge. Nemo because they've got to.... just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin, swim swim... lol. And Nudge since they're both going to be my little Nudgers. I can't wait to feel them moving!
This Friday is my birthday. I think this is the most excited I've ever been for a birthday. Not because of getting presents, but because it very well may be my only pregnant birthday. Every holiday seems just a little sweeter now. :) Even though I was sweltering, the Fourth of July was a happy experience for me. I look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tom and Jamie's wedding ... I'm hoping to be somewhat big by then, so I can be the "Lauren" of their wedding (Lauren was preggers at mine. ^_^). Even Halloween seems exciting this year. I guess I'm just too happy - everything has this sort of glow about it in my mind. I can't even imagine what our first anniversary is going to be like!!
Donna actually stopped by in the middle of my writing. I only mention it because she said it's the first time I look pregnant. That made my day! ^_^
We should be moving soon. I can't wait to paint the babies' room. I've been thinking about doing murals on the walls. I know of at least one very talented artist who I'm sure would be thrilled to help out. ;) One of the biggest pluses of moving is that we can finally invite people over. I feel awful that I haven't gotten to see much of my friends. But I really can't have anyone over here, and I'm not about to invite myself to their homes! I'm really looking forward to having another couple over for dinner and playing that Spouse-ology game we got at the marriage conference.
So many changes going on in my life. And all of them are positive. Really, how many more blessings could God possibly bestow?
I'm super excited for this week, though. Today is officially the first day of my second trimester!! Things should start calming down in the side-effects department (if I'm lucky). I'm hoping the morning sickness dwindles. It's not fun to feel ill after every meal. :/ But Ben and I went to get some more preggie pops, as I'd run out. So at least I should be somewhat ok if I'm one of the women who's sick all pregnancy long.
Speaking of sick, I've got some sort of chest cold. Coughing fits (that nearly bring about vomiting...ick), sore throat, stuffy nose. It's changing my voice and I sound really funny. I say masculine, Ben says "Phoebe's sexy sick voice." lol. It's difficult to talk, especially in the morning. Sometimes when I just wake up all I can make are squeaks. The worst part is that I can't take anything for it. There are conflicting reports on the internet about cough drops, so I'm staying away from them. All I'm doing is drinking tea (or orange juice), using VapoRub (which my wonderful husband walked to the store yesterday to buy for me), and trying to stick to non-hurtful foods. Donna is coming by today with her homemade chicken soup and I am soooo excited for it. I haven't had any in a while. The sweetest part is, she hadn't made it for her and Dad so she had leftovers - she made it special for me and Ben when she found out yesterday that I wasn't feeling well. She says it will be the babies' first taste of grandma's soup. ^_^ I had been wanting soup, but I read that I can't have soup from a can. So I was really clueless as to what to do (since I wasn't feeling up to making any myself, and Ben has no clue on how to make it.) Donna's making some for us is such a blessing!
Ok, back to babies. ^_^ I've looked at a couple pictures, and they're starting to look like real babies now! As compared to the abnormally-big-head stages. Tomorrow I have another appointment with my doctor, and I can't wait to see how they're doing. I'm hoping to hear heartbeats this time!! I know I'm going to cry. I nearly did just seeing the little flickers on the screen the past few times. I so can't wait! I love taking home pictures to share with Ben and others. He gets so cute when he talks about them. We've come up with nicknames for them (other than Thing 1 and Thing 2 with me being Mama Cat in the Hat...) since I thought the others sounded mean before the explanation of where the names were from. (Plus I just didn't want numbers in there...) So now we have Nemo and Nudge. Nemo because they've got to.... just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin, swim swim... lol. And Nudge since they're both going to be my little Nudgers. I can't wait to feel them moving!
This Friday is my birthday. I think this is the most excited I've ever been for a birthday. Not because of getting presents, but because it very well may be my only pregnant birthday. Every holiday seems just a little sweeter now. :) Even though I was sweltering, the Fourth of July was a happy experience for me. I look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tom and Jamie's wedding ... I'm hoping to be somewhat big by then, so I can be the "Lauren" of their wedding (Lauren was preggers at mine. ^_^). Even Halloween seems exciting this year. I guess I'm just too happy - everything has this sort of glow about it in my mind. I can't even imagine what our first anniversary is going to be like!!
Donna actually stopped by in the middle of my writing. I only mention it because she said it's the first time I look pregnant. That made my day! ^_^
We should be moving soon. I can't wait to paint the babies' room. I've been thinking about doing murals on the walls. I know of at least one very talented artist who I'm sure would be thrilled to help out. ;) One of the biggest pluses of moving is that we can finally invite people over. I feel awful that I haven't gotten to see much of my friends. But I really can't have anyone over here, and I'm not about to invite myself to their homes! I'm really looking forward to having another couple over for dinner and playing that Spouse-ology game we got at the marriage conference.
So many changes going on in my life. And all of them are positive. Really, how many more blessings could God possibly bestow?
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