Well, so much for keeping on the blog. Once again, I've let it fall to the wayside. It seems like every time I start up a blog, I keep going pretty well to begin with. Then I just forget about it. Or have no ideas on what to write. That's kind of how I feel now. I don't really know what to make this entry about. Mainly because this is a public forum. There are things, parts of my life, that only Ben and I are aware of. Things that I'm not ready to share with the world just yet. I have these questions swimming through my brain, and until they are answered I just can't say anything. I'll try to make this entry worth something, but no promises, eh?
Saturday is Jack's birthday. He would have been 30 this year. Saturday marks three years. There's still a part of me that is bitter. I feel like he stole from me, from my children. But there's a huge part of me that is still buried in grief. I don't know how to handle it. I talked to Tom about doing a memorial tattoo. I tried to explain how I felt, why Jack is so important to me. He asked for time. Said it was a sensitive subject. I understand - I know Tom felt really close to Jack, spent so much time at their house when he was younger that he viewed Ben and Jack as brothers. Words cannot describe how awful I felt when Tom said he needed time. It's like I plucked a chord of pain. I have to wonder if was upset that I miss Jack - that I, who never knew him, would have the grief reserved for those in his situation - those who knew and loved him. I apologized, but I don't know what Tom is thinking. I'm afraid I've hurt him, or made him think less of me. I told Ben that Tom's opinion means a lot to me. I don't know why. Out of all Ben's friends, Tom and Nick's opinions mean something. That just made everything worse. Made me feel even more awful. I wish I could make it up to him, but I have no idea how. So now it's a waiting game. Not waiting for him to do my tattoo, waiting for a sign that he's ok with me. I haven't seen him since then, and I'm afraid to. I guess I'm just afraid of seeing something in his eyes that shows his respect for me has diminished.
I could be overthinking things, and I probably am, but this is a big worry at the moment.
Of course, another is PartyLite. I have such fears that I won't get off the ground with it, that I'll wake up and have gotten nowhere. I fear that I won't make any sort of income and that our lives will become harder. My stress level has risen. I worry about bills and what would happen should I become pregnant. We already have some debt hanging over our heads. Not to mention we really have no room for a child. When I begin thinking about these things, I try to just pray and let go. I know God is going to take care of us. I know that we will survive and everything will be ok. But me - being glass-is-half-empty girl - I tend to see the horrible things and not the good. Sometimes letting go is one of the hardest things to do. It's then that I have to remind myself that it's ok to hold on. As long as what I'm clinging to is God. Still, that tends to be difficult for me. I just don't know how to lose the worries that plague my mind.
And yet, I haven't been happier since I got fired.
I love being at home. I hate cleaning, but I love to clean up our apartment. For Ben to come home and tell me that the things he planned on doing once he got in from work are already finished gives me a real sense of accomplishment. I like that now he can come home and relax instead of coming home to clean up. I like that I make his life a little easier. I like that I get to have random kitty cuddles throughout the day. I feel like they show me more affection now that I'm home with them. Makes me think of being a stay-at-home mom. ^_^
It's the weekend. I love weekends because I get to have time with Ben. I miss him while he's working. But I'm so proud of what he does for us. My husband will do anything he possibly can to take care of his family. I am so very blessed to have him. I never thought my perfect man existed. I really thought that my list would be impossible to complete. And then I met him. He opened my eyes to true love, showed me what I had been missing. He pushes me in my relationship with God, speaks blessings into my life and the lives of others. I have had more than one woman comment "Oh d**m he's taken!" That always gives me the biggest smile, because others see the value in my husband. They see how wonderful he is, and it makes me proud to know he chose me as his mate.
No matter what the worries or stresses, I love my life and everyone in it.
