Well, I missed another week. Time just seemed to keep slipping away from me, and I'd forget to hop on here. No record of my two navel oranges, and of course last week was a time that so many things were happening!!
Where to begin ... well the shortest update is from the morning I woke up and felt a thumping down where the babies are. Of course, it turned out to be my own heartbeat I was feeling (talk about huge disappointment!) but for a second I thought it was one or both of them. It happened again a couple days later (only when I wake in a certain postion) but I didn't get excited the second time. So at least it wasn't a second crash down to disappointment!
The other update from last week is the second appointment at Hartford. I had a nice group with me - Nikki, Mike, and Nic. It definitely made for a fun drive! Also, waiting didn't seem to take as long, I think because I just kept chattering away with Nikki. I could tell as soon as the ultrasound started that they looked bigger. Every other time I had gotten an ultrasound, I could see their whole bodies on the screen. This time, it was from the waist up. The nurse had to move in increments to get all the measurements! She kept saying that they were "absolutely stunning" haha. But we did get to see little profiles. The pictures we got were of their faces, though Nudge's pics were blurry. I'm thinking someone doesn't know how to sit still... lol. Perhaps a hint for the future? Anyways, the best part of the day was when we got to hear the heartbeats. Nikki recorded them on her phone and sent them to me, so I could play them for Ben. According to the "old wives tale" - we'll be having two girls. Both were over 140 bpm. Nemo was 150, Nudge was 162. The last time the heartbeats were measured, they were 167 and 170 respectively. But I guess sometimes they slow down? The nurse wasn't worried. Nikki was thrilled to see "her babies" and I think she was more excited than I was! Once the other three left the room, the nurse had to measure my cervix, and I was relieved to see that it wasn't thinning. I hadn't actually thought that it was, but I know it's a possibility, and after some of the stories I've heard, it's one less thing off my mind.
That was about it for last week, as far as the babies go. Ben and I had a date night to go see Grease at the theatre, since Krissy got us tickets for my birthday. He'd never seen it, so the play was completely new to him. We really enjoyed it, and the night out was greatly appreciated. We don't have much money for dates.
There hasn't been much going on this week. I went to Nikki's house yesterday and the day before. I'd visited with Lauren, Nick, and Vivy on Monday. Today I don't have any plans, but I know there's a bunch to be done around the house ... if only I can find the motivation. I woke up with a headache again, and I'm wondering if the change in weather is affecting me. That was always a trigger for my migraines, but so far it seems to be dwindling instead of getting worse. Hopefully by the time I shower, it'll have disappeared completely...
Last night we went to Mini Church, and it was just a chatty sort of night. Too dreary for swimming, everyone was inside - mostly in the kitchen. Everything was going well; my hands were itching to hold little baby Elijah. By the time I felt comfortable enough to ask, he was in the living room, being the entertainment for Jonah and Maddie. The two youngun's were thrilled with him, so I didn't have the heart to "take him away." Instead I just stayed in there and hung out with them. I think I picked him up for about a minute before something or other happened. I just gave up after that.
Some things were said that I think I took the wrong way. I just got upset, but I didn't want to show it. Not even after we got home. I guess I just didn't want to get into into it. But sometimes people make me feel like they think I'm going to be a bad mom. I was so terrified last night. I was talking to someone about some of the concerns others had raised - about how I'm going to need so much help once the babies are here, that I won't function and have no sleep. I know working in a daycare is different, and having four six-week old and up infants by myself is not the same as having two newborns round the clock. I know that I have "no idea" of what it's going to be like once they're here. But does everyone have to make it sound like I'm not capable of caring for my own children? The person I was talking to last night told me how she had been so active during her pregnancy - working all day, and then going to the gym and working out so that she didn't get to bed until 10. When she had her baby, it was like down time - getting to relax. With me, I've got all this down time now (since I'm not working), that it will be the opposite. Basically, that I'll get thrown into being busy all the time and therefore lose my mind, or not know how to handle it (not her words, but what I got as the implication.) She agreed that I'm going to need a lot of help in the beginning, while it was "easy" for her. Donna has repeatedly told me that I'm going to need so much help, that I don't understand how hard it will be, that I won't be able to cope with two little ones. She keeps talking about how I won't sleep, and won't function, and just won't be able to do it. While not to the extreme that Donna has said, both Ben's mom and dad have agreed that I'm going to need a lot of help at the beginning. His mom keeps saying that she'll be here (has even told me that she'll help me figure out how to breastfeed), that even if she's not here and I need help, she's only a phone call away (since she lives right across town.) Ben is getting frustrated. He feels as I do - that everyone believes that we won't be able to make it as parents. Like no one has faith in us. I guess after so many "parent" people saying these things, it was just another blow when it came from the mouth of the woman I was talking to last night. And then, of course, I foolishly told her how Donna had said she was nervous for me when it came to Post Partum Depression. Since I've had to be on medication before. I also said that since getting pregnant, I haven't needed the medication. I viewed this as a positive. Until she told me about a friend of hers, who was basically the same. She'd been on meds, got pregnant, didn't need them, and then once the baby was born, sank into a deep depression. She had to stop breastfeeding so she could go on medication. The girl I was talking to would go over to her house to help out, and never saw her not in tears. And then another woman mentioned a girl at the church who'd had her parents come in shifts, so that she was never alone with her baby.
Do people honestly not understand what these kinds of stories will do to me? That while I sit here and wonder about all the things that can hurt my children, and worry and stress about them getting hurt, that now I'll be terrified that it's going to be me who is their biggest threat?? I went to bed thinking about what I would do if I got so depressed I lost my mind and killed one of them. I can see myself, sitting in a psych ward, just crying all day. How could I ever live with myself if I was the one who'd hurt them? I don't want this pregnancy to end. I'm terrified of bringing them home. I pray and beg God to protect them, to protect me and allow me to escape Post Partum. But I'm still so scared of being alone with them. What if everyone else is right? What if I'm going to be a horrible mother? What if I can't cope and lose my mind? What if I sink so low that I can't even look at them? Instead of being thrilled, and happily looking forward to beginning my dream job of stay-at-home mom, I now don't want them to come. I'm afraid I can't prove everyone wrong, and I'll just end up a story on the news, a story in the church, a knowledge in everyone else's heads that they were right all along. How am I supposed to keep going, when each day brings me closer to horror? I have so many things flying through my head right now, and I don't know how to make them stop. Instead I'll just sit here and continue to sob, and fearfully pray. I trust God. I know He can do anything. But I'm so scared He'll say no, or just keep silent and let everyone else be right.
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