I Will Not Fall, Will Not Let It Go

Well, so much for keeping on the blog. Once again, I've let it fall to the wayside. It seems like every time I start up a blog, I keep going pretty well to begin with. Then I just forget about it. Or have no ideas on what to write. That's kind of how I feel now. I don't really know what to make this entry about. Mainly because this is a public forum. There are things, parts of my life, that only Ben and I are aware of. Things that I'm not ready to share with the world just yet. I have these questions swimming through my brain, and until they are answered I just can't say anything. I'll try to make this entry worth something, but no promises, eh?

Saturday is Jack's birthday. He would have been 30 this year. Saturday marks three years. There's still a part of me that is bitter. I feel like he stole from me, from my children. But there's a huge part of me that is still buried in grief. I don't know how to handle it. I talked to Tom about doing a memorial tattoo. I tried to explain how I felt, why Jack is so important to me. He asked for time. Said it was a sensitive subject. I understand -  I know Tom felt really close to Jack, spent so much time at their house when he was younger that he viewed Ben and Jack as brothers. Words cannot describe how awful I felt when Tom said he needed time. It's like I plucked a chord of pain. I have to wonder if was upset that I miss Jack - that I, who never knew him, would have the grief reserved for those in his situation - those who knew and loved him. I apologized, but I don't know what Tom is thinking. I'm afraid I've hurt him, or made him think less of me. I told Ben that Tom's opinion means a lot to me. I don't know why. Out of all Ben's friends, Tom and Nick's opinions mean something. That just made everything worse. Made me feel even more awful. I wish I could make it up to him, but I have no idea how. So now it's a waiting game. Not waiting for him to do my tattoo, waiting for a sign that he's ok with me. I haven't seen him since then, and I'm afraid to. I guess I'm just afraid of seeing something in his eyes that shows his respect for me has diminished.

I could be overthinking things, and I probably am, but this is a big worry at the moment.

Of course, another is PartyLite. I have such fears that I won't get off the ground with it, that I'll wake up and have gotten nowhere. I fear that I won't make any sort of income and that our lives will become harder. My stress level has risen. I worry about bills and what would happen should I become pregnant. We already have some debt hanging over our heads. Not to mention we really have no room for a child. When I begin thinking about these things, I try to just pray and let go. I know God is going to take care of us. I know that we will survive and everything will be ok. But me - being glass-is-half-empty girl - I tend to see the horrible things and not the good. Sometimes letting go is one of the hardest things to do. It's then that I have to remind myself that it's ok to hold on. As long as what I'm clinging to is God. Still, that tends to be difficult for me. I just don't know how to lose the worries that plague my mind.

And yet, I haven't been happier since I got fired.

I love being at home. I hate cleaning, but I love to clean up our apartment. For Ben to come home and tell me that the things he planned on doing once he got in from work are already finished gives me a real sense of accomplishment. I like that now he can come home and relax instead of coming home to clean up. I like that I make his life a little easier. I like that I get to have random kitty cuddles throughout the day. I feel like they show me more affection now that I'm home with them. Makes me think of being a stay-at-home mom. ^_^

It's the weekend. I love weekends because I get to have time with Ben. I miss him while he's working. But I'm so proud of what he does for us. My husband will do anything he possibly can to take care of his family. I am so very blessed to have him. I never thought my perfect man existed. I really thought that my list would be impossible to complete. And then I met him. He opened my eyes to true love, showed me what I had been missing. He pushes me in my relationship with God, speaks blessings into my life and the lives of others. I have had more than one woman comment "Oh d**m he's taken!" That always gives me the biggest smile, because others see the value in my husband. They see how wonderful he is, and it makes me proud to know he chose me as his mate.

No matter what the worries or stresses, I love my life and everyone in it.

Follow the White Rabbit

I seem to keep forgetting that I have this. I don't spend a lot of time on my computer, at least comperable to some other people I know. No Facebook addiction, or Twitter friends. Having a blog at all is pretty big, I guess. Though when I first mentioned it on my Facebook, I was asked what it was about. All I said was "my thoughts." I know people keep blogs as weight loss motivators, or to let everyone know what's going on with their family. But sometimes I just need a place to let myself ramble. I don't really have any purpose for these posts, just to do them.

I know I'm just a newlywed, but I don't understand how people can hate their spouses. Or get to the point that they just don't care. I was listening to the radio the other day, where the woman was going around asking people to share their secrets. When I tuned in, she was speaking to a woman who said she'd cheated. The radio girl's response was "so what, everyone does." so the woman said it was multiple times with multiple people. I was so disturbed by this. How could these people be so flippant about affairs? Our society has become so filled with cheating that no one seems to care anymore. On House, Wilson and his wife are both having affairs, and when she leaves, he says to House, "Maybe I'm dealing with something and I need to talk with my friend." Dealing with something? You cheated on your wife, and she left. In fact, he has three failed marriages - did they all end because of cheating?

How many movies, and TV shows, and books are filled with affairs. Our world has become numb to people stepping out. It's no scandal anymore, and it makes me so sad. How can people not value a marriage? People of all ages enter into marriage, thinking that they have a way out - if this doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce. You're just setting yourself up to fail! If you don't value your marriage, why the hell are you entering into it in the first place?! You don't "fall out of love" you stop trying. You give up. Love is not an emotion, it's a commitment. Marriage takes work. It's an effort. But you do it because you choose to love that person for the rest of your life.

I feel such a rage about these people who hold no value in their marriages. People who don't care about the sanctity of marriage - those in them and those not in them - make me absolutely furious. I can feel myself getting so worked up.

And for that I think I need to stop writing now... By the way, the title had nothing to do with the post itself.

No, you DON'T understand. He's my brother. He was supposed to be my brother.

I find myself thinking about Jack a lot. Well, I wouldn't say a lot. But I do think about him now and then. I don't think anyone I speak to really understands how I feel. Sure, they can empathize; but they just can't ever really understand. I have these awesome friends, a few who have become like a sister to me. But it's just not the same. My whole life it's been just me. I never had someone to go through childhood with, someone who would have the same parents to grumble about, someone who had been there on all the family vacations and who fought with me.

Jack was my one chance to have a brother. Love him or hate him, close or distant, there was going to be that familial tie that could never be broken. No matter how I felt about him, he'd be my brother. I think I'd rather he be here, but someone I hated and wanted no contact with than the way things are. It's sad that I so want a sibling that I would wish for one I couldn't stand.

I miss him. I hear stories about the way he was - his pros and cons, his troublemaking, his sweetness. I see him in my head sometimes. I look at pictures and wonder - what would it have been like to actually have known him? There's a part of me that's so angry with him for taking away my only chance to hear "I love you, sis" and have the term actually be true. There's a part of me that is so angry with him for taking away my children's uncle. Their only chance for real cousins. But there's this part of me that is just broken hearted. A piece of my family is missing. How can I not grieve for my brother?

When we first started dating, Ben told me that Jack would have like me. That he wouldn't have liked his former girlfriend, which he'd known when he was dating her. But that Jack would have really like me. I think of that conversation and it breaks my heart. I hear about how the funeral hall that was bursting from those who loved him, and I wonder how he could have felt so alone. How could he have left all of us behind? All of us who love him?

No one understands, but I love him. He was my brother. I was made for Ben. From birth, Ben was my husband - it was who he was destined to be. Jack was destined to be my brother. And I love him because of that. I miss my brother. I miss my Jack. It hurts to stand at his grave, so overflowing with mementos and gifts of those still grieving for him. To look down at a name on a stone and know that I will never see his face. Never hear his voice.

People tell me I miss an imagination. That I can't really grieve for someone I never knew. But my heart is broken, and there are days when all I want to do is see my brother's face. To just once, hear his voice and know that my family isn't horribly broken.


My children will be blessed with aunts and uncles and cousins in those friends we hold dear. Familial ties extend beyond blood. But I so would have loved for them to have those family ties...

New Beginnings

While not my first post, it may as well seem like it. I'd had this blog back in '07, and here we are three years later. Things have changed since then, and when I read my old posts it brought back memories, and made me so happy that I am no longer in that stage of my life. Every post was full of self loathing and pain. And comments from the one I thought I'd loved that I can now see for what they truly were - vicious manipulation of a man child who wanted a mommy instead of a girlfriend. Again, so glad I'm not there anymore.


My life is wonderful. I love my husband, the one perfect person that God made for me. I have never in my life felt as completely and unconditionally loved as I have with him. Ben has shown me what True Love is. He is my knight in shining armor, my prince, my soulmate. And no one could hope for more than I have with him.


I only hope he can fully appreciate the way I feel for him. I know sometimes I get caught up with what I want in the future. A house, dogs, babies. But right now is so amazingly perfect. I think reading my old blog really helped to show me that. I have come so far, from a world of turmoil and hurt to this beautiful home of pure love. Ben, my other half, my perfect mate, you are the most wonderful person I have ever known and I am so very blessed to be you wife. 5 months, one week, and counting. <3 I adore you.


Currently I have my baby girl lying on my left arm, purring contentedly. Makes things a little hard to type, but since Little Miss has been not so cuddly as of late, I'm taking it! Eponine is a wonderful addition to our family. The cutest little baby face hiding the psycho child within. Crazier than Belkar, she is. And while she may not be as fluffy as Remy, she gives him a run for his money in the cute department. (Though Mems has been acting like a little Mr. Cutie Face lately) We've had our baby girl for a month and a half now. And she fit in perfectly from day one.


I love my family. My husband, my three sweet kitties, and everyone else who's now mixed in from my side and his. For years I dreamed of this - this perfect union. Sometimes it takes my breath away to know that I finally have it.




I love my life.