Well, I'm much happier with the 11 week size than last week's! lol. What can I say, I really like limes. :P
Ben had his first "Daddy" panic yesterday. He didn't give me a lot of detail, since it happened while he was at work and away from me. All he said was that he started worrying about being a good Dad and money, that sort of thing. All I could say was that God gave us these two little ones. He wouldn't have done that if He knew we wouldn't be able to properly care for his blessings. Which I guess was what kept running through Ben's mind when he started getting nervous. He said he spent a lot of time praying about it.
I must admit, I've had my own worry moments. Well ... freak out moments, really. I'll get this sick feeling in my stomach as I start thinking about something going wrong with the pregnancy, or when they're little. Being on the bump doesn't really help in these situations. I've read stories about people leaving their babies in the car (these were in Florida .. the stories all had sad endings), one about a one week old twin needing surgery, and not making it (leaving the mom to take one baby home to a nursery filled with two of everything), women who make it to 22 weeks just to lose their babies then, not to mention the heartbreaking story of my friend Melissa (which I will not post here, out of respect for her.) Just today I read a post about a women carrying twins who endured a gush of blood at 12 weeks. Really not what I need to see right now! I'm two days away from being at 12 weeks myself. They say once you're past your 12th week, you're pretty much set as far as the miscarriage thing goes. But I've read so many stories to the contrary. I've spent more than one night crying over the fear of losing even one of my peanuts.
I'm sure I'm not so different from other first-time pregnant women. With no idea of what to expect, everything runs through your mind. Unfortunately, I'm the type to think of the worst. I stress over every little thing that could go wrong. What if we make it through the pregnancy, all the way to full term, and then once we get home something happens to one of them? What if we get into a car accident? Car seats are supposed to protect them, but how much can they really do? It's in these moments that I should follow Ben's lead and just start to pray. But most of the time I can't break myself out of it. It seems like the only thing I do pray about lately is the babies. That they'll be healthy. That we'll make it to full term. That I make the right choices now to give them everything they need to grow properly. I'm constantly thinking about what to eat, how much to eat, how to lie down ... Everything in my mind is centered on them. I've laid on my stomach once since I found out I was pregnant, and that was only so Ben could rub my back. I try not to lie on my back or my stomach, make sure I don't eat more than one serving of fish per week, try to make sure I'm getting enough calcium and protein and fruits and veggies ... I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin one day and nearly cried when I realized it the next.
I'm so scared that I'll do something wrong and hurt or hinder one of my children.
I really do have the best husband when it comes to all this, though. Ben has turned into such a mother hen. I wince and he's instantly asking me what I need or what he can do to help. I mention that something sounds good, and he goes to find it for me. We were at Kevin and Karen's and I mused that I wanted a cup of milk. I figured I'd get it when we got home, right? Wrong. Without my realizing it, he went to find Karen and when she said it was ok, went into the kitchen to get one for me. When he came back with it, I told him that I wasn't saying it so he'd get it for me. He responded with this look and "Please. That's why I'm here." He wants to do everything he can, and it's just so sweet. I know I'm blessed. There are plenty of women on the bump who post about their husbands not understanding, or just ignoring the things they ask for. One of the many reasons I love Ben is because he's such a caretaker, and so tenderhearted. I know he's going to be a wonderful father, because he's just such an amazing husband.
I've got a little while to go before my next appointment, but I'm so excited. It's such a thrill to get to see my little ones growing, to see the changes from the last time I saw them. And I can't wait to gush about the experience of hearing two heartbeats for the first time!
Til next time!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Ten Weeks Four Days/Two Prunes
I'm not too fond of this stage of development - only because my babies are compared to prunes!! All the others seem to be ok, but I just get this wrinkle-the-nose feeling when I read about them being the size of prunes. As far as the comparisons go, it's only for length (after all, later on they go from a melon to a banana. Or something like that) and the babes are about an inch/inch and a quarter right now. It's hard to picture. Sometimes I forget that I'm pregnant. For about a minute. But it's only because I don't have that "constant reminder" yet. No belly, no movements. Plenty of morning sickness though!
I woke up last night with the worst taste in the back of my throat. I actually couldn't sleep because of it. I've read on thebump.com about a bad taste being a side effect of pregnancy, but that was the first time I'd ever experienced it. So I got up to get a Preggie Pop Drop, and that got rid of the taste enough that I could go back to sleep. Not to mention I prayed the whole time I was sucking on it that God would prevent me from having that symptom again! I prayed that the taste would be a "distant memory" when I woke in the morning, and luckily I really can't remember too much of the actual taste. Just that it was awful. The morning sickness hasn't been to the point where I vomit, but I do have quite a bit of the nausea. I don't really mind it though. That or the tiredness, or the hard time sleeping. These are my constant reminders for now. I know I complain to Ben (especially about being uncomfortable in the heat) but I really am enjoying my pregnancy. I love when each new week starts and I get to look up what's going on with my lil buns now - how much they've grown, what's beginning to work, how much they're moving.
Speaking of moving ... this past Monday I had to go out to Hartford. Twins are considered high risk pregnancy, so I had to go talk to the high risk doctors at St. Francis. Donna drove me out there (it took about an hour), so we got to talk and hang out. We had to sit in the waiting room for a long time (got there early, and they were about half an hour late calling me in) but when we finally got settled in the room, the nurse (named Becky, haha) used the best ultrasound machine to check on my peanuts. We got to see their heartbeats (167 and 170, first time I found out how fast they were, and Donna's first time seeing them - it was still too early to hear them, though), but more importantly, I watched my babies move around! I'd never seen them moving before. No spinning and twisting like the girls on the bump talk about, but I got to see little arms waving, and mini sit ups. I nearly teared up... but I didn't want to be all sappy. I'm trying not to cry so easily, but it isn't working. (Ben and I watched Bolt over the weekend and even though I'd seen it before and didn't cry then, I totally cried at the end of it this time)
Then the doctor came in and talked about the "risks" with twins - the same as the risks for any pregnancy, just a little bit higher, since there are two babies to potentially throw wrenches in the mix. He also said that if I can make it to an "acceptable" gestation week, then I can deliver at Day Kimball! I only want to because it's so close to home. He told me that if I were to go to St. Francis at, say, week 20 and I was having contractions or this and that was showing up on the ultrasound, then they would admit me there. And if I were to go into labor too early at home, then Day Kimball would send me up to the hospital in Worcester (since it's the closest one with a good NICU). So we're praying that these two little ones hold out for a good long time. Oh, I also found out that full term for twins is 36 weeks (twins actually develop faster, like they know that they won't make it to the full 40!), and they won't let me go past 38 weeks. So I'll definitely be having these guys in January at the latest! I'd love to make it to 36 weeks. I want them to be healthy.
I'm going to try to start packing with whatever boxes I can find, since we'll be moving next month!! I can't wait to move and have more room, and be able to work on the nursery!! Life is so good. ^_^
I woke up last night with the worst taste in the back of my throat. I actually couldn't sleep because of it. I've read on thebump.com about a bad taste being a side effect of pregnancy, but that was the first time I'd ever experienced it. So I got up to get a Preggie Pop Drop, and that got rid of the taste enough that I could go back to sleep. Not to mention I prayed the whole time I was sucking on it that God would prevent me from having that symptom again! I prayed that the taste would be a "distant memory" when I woke in the morning, and luckily I really can't remember too much of the actual taste. Just that it was awful. The morning sickness hasn't been to the point where I vomit, but I do have quite a bit of the nausea. I don't really mind it though. That or the tiredness, or the hard time sleeping. These are my constant reminders for now. I know I complain to Ben (especially about being uncomfortable in the heat) but I really am enjoying my pregnancy. I love when each new week starts and I get to look up what's going on with my lil buns now - how much they've grown, what's beginning to work, how much they're moving.
Speaking of moving ... this past Monday I had to go out to Hartford. Twins are considered high risk pregnancy, so I had to go talk to the high risk doctors at St. Francis. Donna drove me out there (it took about an hour), so we got to talk and hang out. We had to sit in the waiting room for a long time (got there early, and they were about half an hour late calling me in) but when we finally got settled in the room, the nurse (named Becky, haha) used the best ultrasound machine to check on my peanuts. We got to see their heartbeats (167 and 170, first time I found out how fast they were, and Donna's first time seeing them - it was still too early to hear them, though), but more importantly, I watched my babies move around! I'd never seen them moving before. No spinning and twisting like the girls on the bump talk about, but I got to see little arms waving, and mini sit ups. I nearly teared up... but I didn't want to be all sappy. I'm trying not to cry so easily, but it isn't working. (Ben and I watched Bolt over the weekend and even though I'd seen it before and didn't cry then, I totally cried at the end of it this time)
Then the doctor came in and talked about the "risks" with twins - the same as the risks for any pregnancy, just a little bit higher, since there are two babies to potentially throw wrenches in the mix. He also said that if I can make it to an "acceptable" gestation week, then I can deliver at Day Kimball! I only want to because it's so close to home. He told me that if I were to go to St. Francis at, say, week 20 and I was having contractions or this and that was showing up on the ultrasound, then they would admit me there. And if I were to go into labor too early at home, then Day Kimball would send me up to the hospital in Worcester (since it's the closest one with a good NICU). So we're praying that these two little ones hold out for a good long time. Oh, I also found out that full term for twins is 36 weeks (twins actually develop faster, like they know that they won't make it to the full 40!), and they won't let me go past 38 weeks. So I'll definitely be having these guys in January at the latest! I'd love to make it to 36 weeks. I want them to be healthy.
I'm going to try to start packing with whatever boxes I can find, since we'll be moving next month!! I can't wait to move and have more room, and be able to work on the nursery!! Life is so good. ^_^
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Nine Weeks Three Days/Two Green Olives
Today I decided to change my blog from just me to about my pregnancy. I have a feeling that some of my daily life will jump in every now and then, but I'd like to have some sort of focus. (I'm not erasing the old posts, since I was not yet preggers then. It will be sort of a then-to-now type thing.) I'd read somewhere that keeping a journal of your pregnancy is a good idea, since you tend to forget things, or miss out on what is so great about what you're going through right then. I kept telling myself that I needed to get another diary or little notebook, and then I remembered that I had this blog.
I'll title each post with how far along I am, and the size the babies are according to length of time. (I love thebump.com for the forums and for all the information on what's going on in each week. I love seeing how my twins grow - even if it's just compared to fruits and veggies!)
I'm in my third month, and thus far I've been pretty lucky as far as symptoms go. Morning sickness hits occassionally - when I'm hungry or have just eaten. No vomiting from it, I just get sick to my stomach. I get tired so quickly now, and the length of time between getting hungry has just about disappeared! My stomach rumbles hours before it used to, but I also fill up faster than I did. When before I would eat a sandwich, fruit, chips, granola bar, fruit snacks, and crackers for lunch, I now have a sandwich and a handful of chips or some fruit and I'm done. It's funny, I expected to eat so much more. Maybe I am eating more, it just doesn't look it because of my getting hungrier earlier. I worry sometimes that I'm not getting enough calories in. I'm supposed to be eating an additional 600 calories a day - 300 per baby. And then I worry about nutrients and if I'm getting all the vitamins the babies need. I take my prenatal, but I'm still nervous.
I'm also not sleeping well at night. I hear that's pretty common. Though, that has always been common with me. When I first got pregnant, I was so wiped by the end of the day that sleeping was not a problem. I was out before Ben, and sleeping through the night. Now I toss and turn like I used to, wake up multiple times and can't get back to sleep. Maybe my body is just getting me ready for when the babies are here and I never sleep! lol. I used to never be able to nap unless I was sick. When I first got prego, I actually napped. Which was such a shocker. I haven't recently, just because of my issues sleeping. But that is something I wouldn't be upset getting again!
Ben has always called me his vampire - I've always leaned toward being cold. I've turned into such a warmie since the twins came along! The summer heat is uncomfortable and has made me cry more than once. A/C is a blessing, and I find myself in desperate need of air conditioning every day. Especially with this crazy heat wave that we've been getting. It's awful! It hit 102 the other day!! I bury myself in the bedroom (the only room in the apartment with a/c) and spend the majority of my day in there. Unless I manage to make it to a friend's pool. Pools are lovely. I've found a new appreciation for them. ^_^
Oh! Ben and I decided on our Halloween costumes this year. We're both going to be nuns. LOL! A pregnant nun and a male nun. We were cracking up about it last night. I figure in October I should have some belly, right? I'll be at the end of my second trimester.
That's one thing I just can't wait for. I want the big belly so it's obvious that I'm prego. ^_^ I'll probably get it later than most (being overweight and having your own belly to begin with is probably gonna hide a baby belly), but I'm excited. I plan on making my own maternity shirts. I've got the transfers. Somewhere ... I've just got to find them. Speaking of, I should really stop writing now and get to cleaning. The apartment isn't exactly at it's prettiest.
Til next time!
I'll title each post with how far along I am, and the size the babies are according to length of time. (I love thebump.com for the forums and for all the information on what's going on in each week. I love seeing how my twins grow - even if it's just compared to fruits and veggies!)
I'm in my third month, and thus far I've been pretty lucky as far as symptoms go. Morning sickness hits occassionally - when I'm hungry or have just eaten. No vomiting from it, I just get sick to my stomach. I get tired so quickly now, and the length of time between getting hungry has just about disappeared! My stomach rumbles hours before it used to, but I also fill up faster than I did. When before I would eat a sandwich, fruit, chips, granola bar, fruit snacks, and crackers for lunch, I now have a sandwich and a handful of chips or some fruit and I'm done. It's funny, I expected to eat so much more. Maybe I am eating more, it just doesn't look it because of my getting hungrier earlier. I worry sometimes that I'm not getting enough calories in. I'm supposed to be eating an additional 600 calories a day - 300 per baby. And then I worry about nutrients and if I'm getting all the vitamins the babies need. I take my prenatal, but I'm still nervous.
I'm also not sleeping well at night. I hear that's pretty common. Though, that has always been common with me. When I first got pregnant, I was so wiped by the end of the day that sleeping was not a problem. I was out before Ben, and sleeping through the night. Now I toss and turn like I used to, wake up multiple times and can't get back to sleep. Maybe my body is just getting me ready for when the babies are here and I never sleep! lol. I used to never be able to nap unless I was sick. When I first got prego, I actually napped. Which was such a shocker. I haven't recently, just because of my issues sleeping. But that is something I wouldn't be upset getting again!
Ben has always called me his vampire - I've always leaned toward being cold. I've turned into such a warmie since the twins came along! The summer heat is uncomfortable and has made me cry more than once. A/C is a blessing, and I find myself in desperate need of air conditioning every day. Especially with this crazy heat wave that we've been getting. It's awful! It hit 102 the other day!! I bury myself in the bedroom (the only room in the apartment with a/c) and spend the majority of my day in there. Unless I manage to make it to a friend's pool. Pools are lovely. I've found a new appreciation for them. ^_^
Oh! Ben and I decided on our Halloween costumes this year. We're both going to be nuns. LOL! A pregnant nun and a male nun. We were cracking up about it last night. I figure in October I should have some belly, right? I'll be at the end of my second trimester.
That's one thing I just can't wait for. I want the big belly so it's obvious that I'm prego. ^_^ I'll probably get it later than most (being overweight and having your own belly to begin with is probably gonna hide a baby belly), but I'm excited. I plan on making my own maternity shirts. I've got the transfers. Somewhere ... I've just got to find them. Speaking of, I should really stop writing now and get to cleaning. The apartment isn't exactly at it's prettiest.
Til next time!
Friday, May 7, 2010
I Will Not Fall, Will Not Let It Go
Well, so much for keeping on the blog. Once again, I've let it fall to the wayside. It seems like every time I start up a blog, I keep going pretty well to begin with. Then I just forget about it. Or have no ideas on what to write. That's kind of how I feel now. I don't really know what to make this entry about. Mainly because this is a public forum. There are things, parts of my life, that only Ben and I are aware of. Things that I'm not ready to share with the world just yet. I have these questions swimming through my brain, and until they are answered I just can't say anything. I'll try to make this entry worth something, but no promises, eh?
Saturday is Jack's birthday. He would have been 30 this year. Saturday marks three years. There's still a part of me that is bitter. I feel like he stole from me, from my children. But there's a huge part of me that is still buried in grief. I don't know how to handle it. I talked to Tom about doing a memorial tattoo. I tried to explain how I felt, why Jack is so important to me. He asked for time. Said it was a sensitive subject. I understand - I know Tom felt really close to Jack, spent so much time at their house when he was younger that he viewed Ben and Jack as brothers. Words cannot describe how awful I felt when Tom said he needed time. It's like I plucked a chord of pain. I have to wonder if was upset that I miss Jack - that I, who never knew him, would have the grief reserved for those in his situation - those who knew and loved him. I apologized, but I don't know what Tom is thinking. I'm afraid I've hurt him, or made him think less of me. I told Ben that Tom's opinion means a lot to me. I don't know why. Out of all Ben's friends, Tom and Nick's opinions mean something. That just made everything worse. Made me feel even more awful. I wish I could make it up to him, but I have no idea how. So now it's a waiting game. Not waiting for him to do my tattoo, waiting for a sign that he's ok with me. I haven't seen him since then, and I'm afraid to. I guess I'm just afraid of seeing something in his eyes that shows his respect for me has diminished.
I could be overthinking things, and I probably am, but this is a big worry at the moment.
Of course, another is PartyLite. I have such fears that I won't get off the ground with it, that I'll wake up and have gotten nowhere. I fear that I won't make any sort of income and that our lives will become harder. My stress level has risen. I worry about bills and what would happen should I become pregnant. We already have some debt hanging over our heads. Not to mention we really have no room for a child. When I begin thinking about these things, I try to just pray and let go. I know God is going to take care of us. I know that we will survive and everything will be ok. But me - being glass-is-half-empty girl - I tend to see the horrible things and not the good. Sometimes letting go is one of the hardest things to do. It's then that I have to remind myself that it's ok to hold on. As long as what I'm clinging to is God. Still, that tends to be difficult for me. I just don't know how to lose the worries that plague my mind.
And yet, I haven't been happier since I got fired.
I love being at home. I hate cleaning, but I love to clean up our apartment. For Ben to come home and tell me that the things he planned on doing once he got in from work are already finished gives me a real sense of accomplishment. I like that now he can come home and relax instead of coming home to clean up. I like that I make his life a little easier. I like that I get to have random kitty cuddles throughout the day. I feel like they show me more affection now that I'm home with them. Makes me think of being a stay-at-home mom. ^_^
It's the weekend. I love weekends because I get to have time with Ben. I miss him while he's working. But I'm so proud of what he does for us. My husband will do anything he possibly can to take care of his family. I am so very blessed to have him. I never thought my perfect man existed. I really thought that my list would be impossible to complete. And then I met him. He opened my eyes to true love, showed me what I had been missing. He pushes me in my relationship with God, speaks blessings into my life and the lives of others. I have had more than one woman comment "Oh d**m he's taken!" That always gives me the biggest smile, because others see the value in my husband. They see how wonderful he is, and it makes me proud to know he chose me as his mate.
No matter what the worries or stresses, I love my life and everyone in it.
Saturday is Jack's birthday. He would have been 30 this year. Saturday marks three years. There's still a part of me that is bitter. I feel like he stole from me, from my children. But there's a huge part of me that is still buried in grief. I don't know how to handle it. I talked to Tom about doing a memorial tattoo. I tried to explain how I felt, why Jack is so important to me. He asked for time. Said it was a sensitive subject. I understand - I know Tom felt really close to Jack, spent so much time at their house when he was younger that he viewed Ben and Jack as brothers. Words cannot describe how awful I felt when Tom said he needed time. It's like I plucked a chord of pain. I have to wonder if was upset that I miss Jack - that I, who never knew him, would have the grief reserved for those in his situation - those who knew and loved him. I apologized, but I don't know what Tom is thinking. I'm afraid I've hurt him, or made him think less of me. I told Ben that Tom's opinion means a lot to me. I don't know why. Out of all Ben's friends, Tom and Nick's opinions mean something. That just made everything worse. Made me feel even more awful. I wish I could make it up to him, but I have no idea how. So now it's a waiting game. Not waiting for him to do my tattoo, waiting for a sign that he's ok with me. I haven't seen him since then, and I'm afraid to. I guess I'm just afraid of seeing something in his eyes that shows his respect for me has diminished.
I could be overthinking things, and I probably am, but this is a big worry at the moment.
Of course, another is PartyLite. I have such fears that I won't get off the ground with it, that I'll wake up and have gotten nowhere. I fear that I won't make any sort of income and that our lives will become harder. My stress level has risen. I worry about bills and what would happen should I become pregnant. We already have some debt hanging over our heads. Not to mention we really have no room for a child. When I begin thinking about these things, I try to just pray and let go. I know God is going to take care of us. I know that we will survive and everything will be ok. But me - being glass-is-half-empty girl - I tend to see the horrible things and not the good. Sometimes letting go is one of the hardest things to do. It's then that I have to remind myself that it's ok to hold on. As long as what I'm clinging to is God. Still, that tends to be difficult for me. I just don't know how to lose the worries that plague my mind.
And yet, I haven't been happier since I got fired.
I love being at home. I hate cleaning, but I love to clean up our apartment. For Ben to come home and tell me that the things he planned on doing once he got in from work are already finished gives me a real sense of accomplishment. I like that now he can come home and relax instead of coming home to clean up. I like that I make his life a little easier. I like that I get to have random kitty cuddles throughout the day. I feel like they show me more affection now that I'm home with them. Makes me think of being a stay-at-home mom. ^_^
It's the weekend. I love weekends because I get to have time with Ben. I miss him while he's working. But I'm so proud of what he does for us. My husband will do anything he possibly can to take care of his family. I am so very blessed to have him. I never thought my perfect man existed. I really thought that my list would be impossible to complete. And then I met him. He opened my eyes to true love, showed me what I had been missing. He pushes me in my relationship with God, speaks blessings into my life and the lives of others. I have had more than one woman comment "Oh d**m he's taken!" That always gives me the biggest smile, because others see the value in my husband. They see how wonderful he is, and it makes me proud to know he chose me as his mate.
No matter what the worries or stresses, I love my life and everyone in it.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Follow the White Rabbit
I seem to keep forgetting that I have this. I don't spend a lot of time on my computer, at least comperable to some other people I know. No Facebook addiction, or Twitter friends. Having a blog at all is pretty big, I guess. Though when I first mentioned it on my Facebook, I was asked what it was about. All I said was "my thoughts." I know people keep blogs as weight loss motivators, or to let everyone know what's going on with their family. But sometimes I just need a place to let myself ramble. I don't really have any purpose for these posts, just to do them.
I know I'm just a newlywed, but I don't understand how people can hate their spouses. Or get to the point that they just don't care. I was listening to the radio the other day, where the woman was going around asking people to share their secrets. When I tuned in, she was speaking to a woman who said she'd cheated. The radio girl's response was "so what, everyone does." so the woman said it was multiple times with multiple people. I was so disturbed by this. How could these people be so flippant about affairs? Our society has become so filled with cheating that no one seems to care anymore. On House, Wilson and his wife are both having affairs, and when she leaves, he says to House, "Maybe I'm dealing with something and I need to talk with my friend." Dealing with something? You cheated on your wife, and she left. In fact, he has three failed marriages - did they all end because of cheating?
How many movies, and TV shows, and books are filled with affairs. Our world has become numb to people stepping out. It's no scandal anymore, and it makes me so sad. How can people not value a marriage? People of all ages enter into marriage, thinking that they have a way out - if this doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce. You're just setting yourself up to fail! If you don't value your marriage, why the hell are you entering into it in the first place?! You don't "fall out of love" you stop trying. You give up. Love is not an emotion, it's a commitment. Marriage takes work. It's an effort. But you do it because you choose to love that person for the rest of your life.
I feel such a rage about these people who hold no value in their marriages. People who don't care about the sanctity of marriage - those in them and those not in them - make me absolutely furious. I can feel myself getting so worked up.
And for that I think I need to stop writing now... By the way, the title had nothing to do with the post itself.
I know I'm just a newlywed, but I don't understand how people can hate their spouses. Or get to the point that they just don't care. I was listening to the radio the other day, where the woman was going around asking people to share their secrets. When I tuned in, she was speaking to a woman who said she'd cheated. The radio girl's response was "so what, everyone does." so the woman said it was multiple times with multiple people. I was so disturbed by this. How could these people be so flippant about affairs? Our society has become so filled with cheating that no one seems to care anymore. On House, Wilson and his wife are both having affairs, and when she leaves, he says to House, "Maybe I'm dealing with something and I need to talk with my friend." Dealing with something? You cheated on your wife, and she left. In fact, he has three failed marriages - did they all end because of cheating?
How many movies, and TV shows, and books are filled with affairs. Our world has become numb to people stepping out. It's no scandal anymore, and it makes me so sad. How can people not value a marriage? People of all ages enter into marriage, thinking that they have a way out - if this doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce. You're just setting yourself up to fail! If you don't value your marriage, why the hell are you entering into it in the first place?! You don't "fall out of love" you stop trying. You give up. Love is not an emotion, it's a commitment. Marriage takes work. It's an effort. But you do it because you choose to love that person for the rest of your life.
I feel such a rage about these people who hold no value in their marriages. People who don't care about the sanctity of marriage - those in them and those not in them - make me absolutely furious. I can feel myself getting so worked up.
And for that I think I need to stop writing now... By the way, the title had nothing to do with the post itself.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
No, you DON'T understand. He's my brother. He was supposed to be my brother.
I find myself thinking about Jack a lot. Well, I wouldn't say a lot. But I do think about him now and then. I don't think anyone I speak to really understands how I feel. Sure, they can empathize; but they just can't ever really understand. I have these awesome friends, a few who have become like a sister to me. But it's just not the same. My whole life it's been just me. I never had someone to go through childhood with, someone who would have the same parents to grumble about, someone who had been there on all the family vacations and who fought with me.
Jack was my one chance to have a brother. Love him or hate him, close or distant, there was going to be that familial tie that could never be broken. No matter how I felt about him, he'd be my brother. I think I'd rather he be here, but someone I hated and wanted no contact with than the way things are. It's sad that I so want a sibling that I would wish for one I couldn't stand.
I miss him. I hear stories about the way he was - his pros and cons, his troublemaking, his sweetness. I see him in my head sometimes. I look at pictures and wonder - what would it have been like to actually have known him? There's a part of me that's so angry with him for taking away my only chance to hear "I love you, sis" and have the term actually be true. There's a part of me that is so angry with him for taking away my children's uncle. Their only chance for real cousins. But there's this part of me that is just broken hearted. A piece of my family is missing. How can I not grieve for my brother?
When we first started dating, Ben told me that Jack would have like me. That he wouldn't have liked his former girlfriend, which he'd known when he was dating her. But that Jack would have really like me. I think of that conversation and it breaks my heart. I hear about how the funeral hall that was bursting from those who loved him, and I wonder how he could have felt so alone. How could he have left all of us behind? All of us who love him?
No one understands, but I love him. He was my brother. I was made for Ben. From birth, Ben was my husband - it was who he was destined to be. Jack was destined to be my brother. And I love him because of that. I miss my brother. I miss my Jack. It hurts to stand at his grave, so overflowing with mementos and gifts of those still grieving for him. To look down at a name on a stone and know that I will never see his face. Never hear his voice.
People tell me I miss an imagination. That I can't really grieve for someone I never knew. But my heart is broken, and there are days when all I want to do is see my brother's face. To just once, hear his voice and know that my family isn't horribly broken.
My children will be blessed with aunts and uncles and cousins in those friends we hold dear. Familial ties extend beyond blood. But I so would have loved for them to have those family ties...
Jack was my one chance to have a brother. Love him or hate him, close or distant, there was going to be that familial tie that could never be broken. No matter how I felt about him, he'd be my brother. I think I'd rather he be here, but someone I hated and wanted no contact with than the way things are. It's sad that I so want a sibling that I would wish for one I couldn't stand.
I miss him. I hear stories about the way he was - his pros and cons, his troublemaking, his sweetness. I see him in my head sometimes. I look at pictures and wonder - what would it have been like to actually have known him? There's a part of me that's so angry with him for taking away my only chance to hear "I love you, sis" and have the term actually be true. There's a part of me that is so angry with him for taking away my children's uncle. Their only chance for real cousins. But there's this part of me that is just broken hearted. A piece of my family is missing. How can I not grieve for my brother?
When we first started dating, Ben told me that Jack would have like me. That he wouldn't have liked his former girlfriend, which he'd known when he was dating her. But that Jack would have really like me. I think of that conversation and it breaks my heart. I hear about how the funeral hall that was bursting from those who loved him, and I wonder how he could have felt so alone. How could he have left all of us behind? All of us who love him?
No one understands, but I love him. He was my brother. I was made for Ben. From birth, Ben was my husband - it was who he was destined to be. Jack was destined to be my brother. And I love him because of that. I miss my brother. I miss my Jack. It hurts to stand at his grave, so overflowing with mementos and gifts of those still grieving for him. To look down at a name on a stone and know that I will never see his face. Never hear his voice.
People tell me I miss an imagination. That I can't really grieve for someone I never knew. But my heart is broken, and there are days when all I want to do is see my brother's face. To just once, hear his voice and know that my family isn't horribly broken.
My children will be blessed with aunts and uncles and cousins in those friends we hold dear. Familial ties extend beyond blood. But I so would have loved for them to have those family ties...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
New Beginnings
While not my first post, it may as well seem like it. I'd had this blog back in '07, and here we are three years later. Things have changed since then, and when I read my old posts it brought back memories, and made me so happy that I am no longer in that stage of my life. Every post was full of self loathing and pain. And comments from the one I thought I'd loved that I can now see for what they truly were - vicious manipulation of a man child who wanted a mommy instead of a girlfriend. Again, so glad I'm not there anymore.
My life is wonderful. I love my husband, the one perfect person that God made for me. I have never in my life felt as completely and unconditionally loved as I have with him. Ben has shown me what True Love is. He is my knight in shining armor, my prince, my soulmate. And no one could hope for more than I have with him.
I only hope he can fully appreciate the way I feel for him. I know sometimes I get caught up with what I want in the future. A house, dogs, babies. But right now is so amazingly perfect. I think reading my old blog really helped to show me that. I have come so far, from a world of turmoil and hurt to this beautiful home of pure love. Ben, my other half, my perfect mate, you are the most wonderful person I have ever known and I am so very blessed to be you wife. 5 months, one week, and counting. <3 I adore you.
Currently I have my baby girl lying on my left arm, purring contentedly. Makes things a little hard to type, but since Little Miss has been not so cuddly as of late, I'm taking it! Eponine is a wonderful addition to our family. The cutest little baby face hiding the psycho child within. Crazier than Belkar, she is. And while she may not be as fluffy as Remy, she gives him a run for his money in the cute department. (Though Mems has been acting like a little Mr. Cutie Face lately) We've had our baby girl for a month and a half now. And she fit in perfectly from day one.
I love my family. My husband, my three sweet kitties, and everyone else who's now mixed in from my side and his. For years I dreamed of this - this perfect union. Sometimes it takes my breath away to know that I finally have it.
I love my life.
My life is wonderful. I love my husband, the one perfect person that God made for me. I have never in my life felt as completely and unconditionally loved as I have with him. Ben has shown me what True Love is. He is my knight in shining armor, my prince, my soulmate. And no one could hope for more than I have with him.
I only hope he can fully appreciate the way I feel for him. I know sometimes I get caught up with what I want in the future. A house, dogs, babies. But right now is so amazingly perfect. I think reading my old blog really helped to show me that. I have come so far, from a world of turmoil and hurt to this beautiful home of pure love. Ben, my other half, my perfect mate, you are the most wonderful person I have ever known and I am so very blessed to be you wife. 5 months, one week, and counting. <3 I adore you.
Currently I have my baby girl lying on my left arm, purring contentedly. Makes things a little hard to type, but since Little Miss has been not so cuddly as of late, I'm taking it! Eponine is a wonderful addition to our family. The cutest little baby face hiding the psycho child within. Crazier than Belkar, she is. And while she may not be as fluffy as Remy, she gives him a run for his money in the cute department. (Though Mems has been acting like a little Mr. Cutie Face lately) We've had our baby girl for a month and a half now. And she fit in perfectly from day one.
I love my family. My husband, my three sweet kitties, and everyone else who's now mixed in from my side and his. For years I dreamed of this - this perfect union. Sometimes it takes my breath away to know that I finally have it.
I love my life.
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