Well, I missed another week. Time just seemed to keep slipping away from me, and I'd forget to hop on here. No record of my two navel oranges, and of course last week was a time that so many things were happening!!
Where to begin ... well the shortest update is from the morning I woke up and felt a thumping down where the babies are. Of course, it turned out to be my own heartbeat I was feeling (talk about huge disappointment!) but for a second I thought it was one or both of them. It happened again a couple days later (only when I wake in a certain postion) but I didn't get excited the second time. So at least it wasn't a second crash down to disappointment!
The other update from last week is the second appointment at Hartford. I had a nice group with me - Nikki, Mike, and Nic. It definitely made for a fun drive! Also, waiting didn't seem to take as long, I think because I just kept chattering away with Nikki. I could tell as soon as the ultrasound started that they looked bigger. Every other time I had gotten an ultrasound, I could see their whole bodies on the screen. This time, it was from the waist up. The nurse had to move in increments to get all the measurements! She kept saying that they were "absolutely stunning" haha. But we did get to see little profiles. The pictures we got were of their faces, though Nudge's pics were blurry. I'm thinking someone doesn't know how to sit still... lol. Perhaps a hint for the future? Anyways, the best part of the day was when we got to hear the heartbeats. Nikki recorded them on her phone and sent them to me, so I could play them for Ben. According to the "old wives tale" - we'll be having two girls. Both were over 140 bpm. Nemo was 150, Nudge was 162. The last time the heartbeats were measured, they were 167 and 170 respectively. But I guess sometimes they slow down? The nurse wasn't worried. Nikki was thrilled to see "her babies" and I think she was more excited than I was! Once the other three left the room, the nurse had to measure my cervix, and I was relieved to see that it wasn't thinning. I hadn't actually thought that it was, but I know it's a possibility, and after some of the stories I've heard, it's one less thing off my mind.
That was about it for last week, as far as the babies go. Ben and I had a date night to go see Grease at the theatre, since Krissy got us tickets for my birthday. He'd never seen it, so the play was completely new to him. We really enjoyed it, and the night out was greatly appreciated. We don't have much money for dates.
There hasn't been much going on this week. I went to Nikki's house yesterday and the day before. I'd visited with Lauren, Nick, and Vivy on Monday. Today I don't have any plans, but I know there's a bunch to be done around the house ... if only I can find the motivation. I woke up with a headache again, and I'm wondering if the change in weather is affecting me. That was always a trigger for my migraines, but so far it seems to be dwindling instead of getting worse. Hopefully by the time I shower, it'll have disappeared completely...
Last night we went to Mini Church, and it was just a chatty sort of night. Too dreary for swimming, everyone was inside - mostly in the kitchen. Everything was going well; my hands were itching to hold little baby Elijah. By the time I felt comfortable enough to ask, he was in the living room, being the entertainment for Jonah and Maddie. The two youngun's were thrilled with him, so I didn't have the heart to "take him away." Instead I just stayed in there and hung out with them. I think I picked him up for about a minute before something or other happened. I just gave up after that.
Some things were said that I think I took the wrong way. I just got upset, but I didn't want to show it. Not even after we got home. I guess I just didn't want to get into into it. But sometimes people make me feel like they think I'm going to be a bad mom. I was so terrified last night. I was talking to someone about some of the concerns others had raised - about how I'm going to need so much help once the babies are here, that I won't function and have no sleep. I know working in a daycare is different, and having four six-week old and up infants by myself is not the same as having two newborns round the clock. I know that I have "no idea" of what it's going to be like once they're here. But does everyone have to make it sound like I'm not capable of caring for my own children? The person I was talking to last night told me how she had been so active during her pregnancy - working all day, and then going to the gym and working out so that she didn't get to bed until 10. When she had her baby, it was like down time - getting to relax. With me, I've got all this down time now (since I'm not working), that it will be the opposite. Basically, that I'll get thrown into being busy all the time and therefore lose my mind, or not know how to handle it (not her words, but what I got as the implication.) She agreed that I'm going to need a lot of help in the beginning, while it was "easy" for her. Donna has repeatedly told me that I'm going to need so much help, that I don't understand how hard it will be, that I won't be able to cope with two little ones. She keeps talking about how I won't sleep, and won't function, and just won't be able to do it. While not to the extreme that Donna has said, both Ben's mom and dad have agreed that I'm going to need a lot of help at the beginning. His mom keeps saying that she'll be here (has even told me that she'll help me figure out how to breastfeed), that even if she's not here and I need help, she's only a phone call away (since she lives right across town.) Ben is getting frustrated. He feels as I do - that everyone believes that we won't be able to make it as parents. Like no one has faith in us. I guess after so many "parent" people saying these things, it was just another blow when it came from the mouth of the woman I was talking to last night. And then, of course, I foolishly told her how Donna had said she was nervous for me when it came to Post Partum Depression. Since I've had to be on medication before. I also said that since getting pregnant, I haven't needed the medication. I viewed this as a positive. Until she told me about a friend of hers, who was basically the same. She'd been on meds, got pregnant, didn't need them, and then once the baby was born, sank into a deep depression. She had to stop breastfeeding so she could go on medication. The girl I was talking to would go over to her house to help out, and never saw her not in tears. And then another woman mentioned a girl at the church who'd had her parents come in shifts, so that she was never alone with her baby.
Do people honestly not understand what these kinds of stories will do to me? That while I sit here and wonder about all the things that can hurt my children, and worry and stress about them getting hurt, that now I'll be terrified that it's going to be me who is their biggest threat?? I went to bed thinking about what I would do if I got so depressed I lost my mind and killed one of them. I can see myself, sitting in a psych ward, just crying all day. How could I ever live with myself if I was the one who'd hurt them? I don't want this pregnancy to end. I'm terrified of bringing them home. I pray and beg God to protect them, to protect me and allow me to escape Post Partum. But I'm still so scared of being alone with them. What if everyone else is right? What if I'm going to be a horrible mother? What if I can't cope and lose my mind? What if I sink so low that I can't even look at them? Instead of being thrilled, and happily looking forward to beginning my dream job of stay-at-home mom, I now don't want them to come. I'm afraid I can't prove everyone wrong, and I'll just end up a story on the news, a story in the church, a knowledge in everyone else's heads that they were right all along. How am I supposed to keep going, when each day brings me closer to horror? I have so many things flying through my head right now, and I don't know how to make them stop. Instead I'll just sit here and continue to sob, and fearfully pray. I trust God. I know He can do anything. But I'm so scared He'll say no, or just keep silent and let everyone else be right.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Fourteen Weeks Five Days/Two Lemons
There hasn't been a whole lot going on this week, baby wise. We've been trying to get everything together for the yard sale tomorrow, and that's taken up a lot of time. I still have yet to actually tag everything with prices. I tell myself when I go to bed "Oh, I'll do that tomorrow." And then of course, I forget the second I wake up. So, along with a bunch of other things I'd planned, it has yet to be done.
My memory is completely shot. I forget so many words while I'm talking, or where I put things. If it weren't for Ben, the cats probably wouldn't get fed! Speaking of cats, Eppi is being such a little cuddle bug. Every morning she crawls into my lap and makes kitty paws and just purrs and purrs and purrs. If I move from room to room, she follows me - just to curl up at my feet when I stop moving. While the boys stay in the bathroom windows or on the cat tree, she sleeps on the bed while I'm on the computer. She's gotten so attached to me, and it makes me feel really good. The boys aren't cuddlers, at least not with me. They love Ben. Belkar only curls up with him, and Mems likes both of us. But Ben picks him up to cuddle more. Eppi is a mommy's girl. She almost never cuddles Ben (only his pants ... we find her curled up in his pants at least once a day. She'll even jump into the hamper to do it...) but she spends a lot of her day curled up with me. Even though she's given Bugga a nervous complex, I'm glad that we got her. (Poor boy licks his fur off. And he's gotten very skittish. We think it's because she likes to play with him - but she plays by dive bombing and chasing him around everywhere.) Right now she's at the edge of the bed, sleeping away. If I were to get up to go to the kitchen (or take a shower, which I really need to do...), she'd wake up and follow me. She's a sweet girl when she wants to be.
I think the beginning of my pregnancy spoiled me. I got used to going to the doctor once a week, and getting an ultrasound. Now it's so very hard to wait to see them again. My mind jumps to the worst things, and it's not until I see those two little heartbeats that I finally calm down. I have yet to hear them, but just the flickers make me feel so much better. When I went to the doctor last week, I found out I had actually lost weight. Which was not what I expected - since my stomach looks bigger. At least now I know it's not just me, but I've got some baby belly too! I was excited. My next appointment is Wednesday and I'm so anxious. While I want to hear the heartbeats, I'd feel so sad that Ben would miss out on it. ... I wonder if they do recordings...
My emotions are nutty. I cry over the littlest things. I really need to stop reading The Bump. Just this morning I stumbled across someone commenting support to another woman who lost her baby at 16 weeks. I just burst into tears. I would always feel empathy and compassion for women who had to endure that, but I don't think it was until now that I could even remotely understand the true pain of it. Just the thought of something happening to one of them makes my heart twist. I don't know how these women do it. I can't imagine getting out of bed for weeks at a time. How do you recover from something like that? And then to read stories about babies who don't make it past the first few weeks... To have protected them for 9 months, to feel them moving, and go through delivery, and start to get to know them ... just to lose them. How do you survive that? It seems like the pain would get worse the older the child is. The longer you've known them, the more you can remember exactly what it is you're missing. A few months, a year, five, ten. The dreams you had for them, the dreams they had that you wanted to see them acheive. How do you survive losing your 28 year old son? This man that you raised and poured yourself into, who shared his dreams and hopes and aspirations with you. This adult, who will forever be your baby ... how can you ever get past that pain? I am so filled with fear. I'm not special. I'm not a better person than anyone else. Why would I deserve to miss out on that kind of pain when others have to endure it everyday of their lives? But I know I couldn't survive it. Even now. With this tiny life that I have never met, never felt, never heard ... it would destroy me to lose one of them. How could I survive for the other? Would my grief harm the living child? Oh God ... what if it were both? How could I survive the death of both my children? These are the things that fill my mind on a daily basis. These are the terrors that plague me. I try to let go, to trust God and know that He will not put me through anything I can not handle ... but I don't know how to stop the fears. I don't know how to break free. When I talk about it, all I'm told is not to think about it. That everything is going to be fine, or to trust in God. It seems like the only one who doesn't just brush it off is Ben. But I try not to worry him. I just can't stop worrying myself...
My memory is completely shot. I forget so many words while I'm talking, or where I put things. If it weren't for Ben, the cats probably wouldn't get fed! Speaking of cats, Eppi is being such a little cuddle bug. Every morning she crawls into my lap and makes kitty paws and just purrs and purrs and purrs. If I move from room to room, she follows me - just to curl up at my feet when I stop moving. While the boys stay in the bathroom windows or on the cat tree, she sleeps on the bed while I'm on the computer. She's gotten so attached to me, and it makes me feel really good. The boys aren't cuddlers, at least not with me. They love Ben. Belkar only curls up with him, and Mems likes both of us. But Ben picks him up to cuddle more. Eppi is a mommy's girl. She almost never cuddles Ben (only his pants ... we find her curled up in his pants at least once a day. She'll even jump into the hamper to do it...) but she spends a lot of her day curled up with me. Even though she's given Bugga a nervous complex, I'm glad that we got her. (Poor boy licks his fur off. And he's gotten very skittish. We think it's because she likes to play with him - but she plays by dive bombing and chasing him around everywhere.) Right now she's at the edge of the bed, sleeping away. If I were to get up to go to the kitchen (or take a shower, which I really need to do...), she'd wake up and follow me. She's a sweet girl when she wants to be.
I think the beginning of my pregnancy spoiled me. I got used to going to the doctor once a week, and getting an ultrasound. Now it's so very hard to wait to see them again. My mind jumps to the worst things, and it's not until I see those two little heartbeats that I finally calm down. I have yet to hear them, but just the flickers make me feel so much better. When I went to the doctor last week, I found out I had actually lost weight. Which was not what I expected - since my stomach looks bigger. At least now I know it's not just me, but I've got some baby belly too! I was excited. My next appointment is Wednesday and I'm so anxious. While I want to hear the heartbeats, I'd feel so sad that Ben would miss out on it. ... I wonder if they do recordings...
My emotions are nutty. I cry over the littlest things. I really need to stop reading The Bump. Just this morning I stumbled across someone commenting support to another woman who lost her baby at 16 weeks. I just burst into tears. I would always feel empathy and compassion for women who had to endure that, but I don't think it was until now that I could even remotely understand the true pain of it. Just the thought of something happening to one of them makes my heart twist. I don't know how these women do it. I can't imagine getting out of bed for weeks at a time. How do you recover from something like that? And then to read stories about babies who don't make it past the first few weeks... To have protected them for 9 months, to feel them moving, and go through delivery, and start to get to know them ... just to lose them. How do you survive that? It seems like the pain would get worse the older the child is. The longer you've known them, the more you can remember exactly what it is you're missing. A few months, a year, five, ten. The dreams you had for them, the dreams they had that you wanted to see them acheive. How do you survive losing your 28 year old son? This man that you raised and poured yourself into, who shared his dreams and hopes and aspirations with you. This adult, who will forever be your baby ... how can you ever get past that pain? I am so filled with fear. I'm not special. I'm not a better person than anyone else. Why would I deserve to miss out on that kind of pain when others have to endure it everyday of their lives? But I know I couldn't survive it. Even now. With this tiny life that I have never met, never felt, never heard ... it would destroy me to lose one of them. How could I survive for the other? Would my grief harm the living child? Oh God ... what if it were both? How could I survive the death of both my children? These are the things that fill my mind on a daily basis. These are the terrors that plague me. I try to let go, to trust God and know that He will not put me through anything I can not handle ... but I don't know how to stop the fears. I don't know how to break free. When I talk about it, all I'm told is not to think about it. That everything is going to be fine, or to trust in God. It seems like the only one who doesn't just brush it off is Ben. But I try not to worry him. I just can't stop worrying myself...
Monday, August 2, 2010
Thirteen Weeks One Day/Two Peaches
I'm so upset with myself that I missed last week. There were a few days when I kept saying "I should post today." But then I would get distracted, and it never happened. So I missed a fruit-stage of development. :( No record of my two plums.
I'm super excited for this week, though. Today is officially the first day of my second trimester!! Things should start calming down in the side-effects department (if I'm lucky). I'm hoping the morning sickness dwindles. It's not fun to feel ill after every meal. :/ But Ben and I went to get some more preggie pops, as I'd run out. So at least I should be somewhat ok if I'm one of the women who's sick all pregnancy long.
Speaking of sick, I've got some sort of chest cold. Coughing fits (that nearly bring about vomiting...ick), sore throat, stuffy nose. It's changing my voice and I sound really funny. I say masculine, Ben says "Phoebe's sexy sick voice." lol. It's difficult to talk, especially in the morning. Sometimes when I just wake up all I can make are squeaks. The worst part is that I can't take anything for it. There are conflicting reports on the internet about cough drops, so I'm staying away from them. All I'm doing is drinking tea (or orange juice), using VapoRub (which my wonderful husband walked to the store yesterday to buy for me), and trying to stick to non-hurtful foods. Donna is coming by today with her homemade chicken soup and I am soooo excited for it. I haven't had any in a while. The sweetest part is, she hadn't made it for her and Dad so she had leftovers - she made it special for me and Ben when she found out yesterday that I wasn't feeling well. She says it will be the babies' first taste of grandma's soup. ^_^ I had been wanting soup, but I read that I can't have soup from a can. So I was really clueless as to what to do (since I wasn't feeling up to making any myself, and Ben has no clue on how to make it.) Donna's making some for us is such a blessing!
Ok, back to babies. ^_^ I've looked at a couple pictures, and they're starting to look like real babies now! As compared to the abnormally-big-head stages. Tomorrow I have another appointment with my doctor, and I can't wait to see how they're doing. I'm hoping to hear heartbeats this time!! I know I'm going to cry. I nearly did just seeing the little flickers on the screen the past few times. I so can't wait! I love taking home pictures to share with Ben and others. He gets so cute when he talks about them. We've come up with nicknames for them (other than Thing 1 and Thing 2 with me being Mama Cat in the Hat...) since I thought the others sounded mean before the explanation of where the names were from. (Plus I just didn't want numbers in there...) So now we have Nemo and Nudge. Nemo because they've got to.... just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin, swim swim... lol. And Nudge since they're both going to be my little Nudgers. I can't wait to feel them moving!
This Friday is my birthday. I think this is the most excited I've ever been for a birthday. Not because of getting presents, but because it very well may be my only pregnant birthday. Every holiday seems just a little sweeter now. :) Even though I was sweltering, the Fourth of July was a happy experience for me. I look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tom and Jamie's wedding ... I'm hoping to be somewhat big by then, so I can be the "Lauren" of their wedding (Lauren was preggers at mine. ^_^). Even Halloween seems exciting this year. I guess I'm just too happy - everything has this sort of glow about it in my mind. I can't even imagine what our first anniversary is going to be like!!
Donna actually stopped by in the middle of my writing. I only mention it because she said it's the first time I look pregnant. That made my day! ^_^
We should be moving soon. I can't wait to paint the babies' room. I've been thinking about doing murals on the walls. I know of at least one very talented artist who I'm sure would be thrilled to help out. ;) One of the biggest pluses of moving is that we can finally invite people over. I feel awful that I haven't gotten to see much of my friends. But I really can't have anyone over here, and I'm not about to invite myself to their homes! I'm really looking forward to having another couple over for dinner and playing that Spouse-ology game we got at the marriage conference.
So many changes going on in my life. And all of them are positive. Really, how many more blessings could God possibly bestow?
I'm super excited for this week, though. Today is officially the first day of my second trimester!! Things should start calming down in the side-effects department (if I'm lucky). I'm hoping the morning sickness dwindles. It's not fun to feel ill after every meal. :/ But Ben and I went to get some more preggie pops, as I'd run out. So at least I should be somewhat ok if I'm one of the women who's sick all pregnancy long.
Speaking of sick, I've got some sort of chest cold. Coughing fits (that nearly bring about vomiting...ick), sore throat, stuffy nose. It's changing my voice and I sound really funny. I say masculine, Ben says "Phoebe's sexy sick voice." lol. It's difficult to talk, especially in the morning. Sometimes when I just wake up all I can make are squeaks. The worst part is that I can't take anything for it. There are conflicting reports on the internet about cough drops, so I'm staying away from them. All I'm doing is drinking tea (or orange juice), using VapoRub (which my wonderful husband walked to the store yesterday to buy for me), and trying to stick to non-hurtful foods. Donna is coming by today with her homemade chicken soup and I am soooo excited for it. I haven't had any in a while. The sweetest part is, she hadn't made it for her and Dad so she had leftovers - she made it special for me and Ben when she found out yesterday that I wasn't feeling well. She says it will be the babies' first taste of grandma's soup. ^_^ I had been wanting soup, but I read that I can't have soup from a can. So I was really clueless as to what to do (since I wasn't feeling up to making any myself, and Ben has no clue on how to make it.) Donna's making some for us is such a blessing!
Ok, back to babies. ^_^ I've looked at a couple pictures, and they're starting to look like real babies now! As compared to the abnormally-big-head stages. Tomorrow I have another appointment with my doctor, and I can't wait to see how they're doing. I'm hoping to hear heartbeats this time!! I know I'm going to cry. I nearly did just seeing the little flickers on the screen the past few times. I so can't wait! I love taking home pictures to share with Ben and others. He gets so cute when he talks about them. We've come up with nicknames for them (other than Thing 1 and Thing 2 with me being Mama Cat in the Hat...) since I thought the others sounded mean before the explanation of where the names were from. (Plus I just didn't want numbers in there...) So now we have Nemo and Nudge. Nemo because they've got to.... just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin, swim swim... lol. And Nudge since they're both going to be my little Nudgers. I can't wait to feel them moving!
This Friday is my birthday. I think this is the most excited I've ever been for a birthday. Not because of getting presents, but because it very well may be my only pregnant birthday. Every holiday seems just a little sweeter now. :) Even though I was sweltering, the Fourth of July was a happy experience for me. I look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tom and Jamie's wedding ... I'm hoping to be somewhat big by then, so I can be the "Lauren" of their wedding (Lauren was preggers at mine. ^_^). Even Halloween seems exciting this year. I guess I'm just too happy - everything has this sort of glow about it in my mind. I can't even imagine what our first anniversary is going to be like!!
Donna actually stopped by in the middle of my writing. I only mention it because she said it's the first time I look pregnant. That made my day! ^_^
We should be moving soon. I can't wait to paint the babies' room. I've been thinking about doing murals on the walls. I know of at least one very talented artist who I'm sure would be thrilled to help out. ;) One of the biggest pluses of moving is that we can finally invite people over. I feel awful that I haven't gotten to see much of my friends. But I really can't have anyone over here, and I'm not about to invite myself to their homes! I'm really looking forward to having another couple over for dinner and playing that Spouse-ology game we got at the marriage conference.
So many changes going on in my life. And all of them are positive. Really, how many more blessings could God possibly bestow?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Eleven Weeks, Four Days/Two Limes
Well, I'm much happier with the 11 week size than last week's! lol. What can I say, I really like limes. :P
Ben had his first "Daddy" panic yesterday. He didn't give me a lot of detail, since it happened while he was at work and away from me. All he said was that he started worrying about being a good Dad and money, that sort of thing. All I could say was that God gave us these two little ones. He wouldn't have done that if He knew we wouldn't be able to properly care for his blessings. Which I guess was what kept running through Ben's mind when he started getting nervous. He said he spent a lot of time praying about it.
I must admit, I've had my own worry moments. Well ... freak out moments, really. I'll get this sick feeling in my stomach as I start thinking about something going wrong with the pregnancy, or when they're little. Being on the bump doesn't really help in these situations. I've read stories about people leaving their babies in the car (these were in Florida .. the stories all had sad endings), one about a one week old twin needing surgery, and not making it (leaving the mom to take one baby home to a nursery filled with two of everything), women who make it to 22 weeks just to lose their babies then, not to mention the heartbreaking story of my friend Melissa (which I will not post here, out of respect for her.) Just today I read a post about a women carrying twins who endured a gush of blood at 12 weeks. Really not what I need to see right now! I'm two days away from being at 12 weeks myself. They say once you're past your 12th week, you're pretty much set as far as the miscarriage thing goes. But I've read so many stories to the contrary. I've spent more than one night crying over the fear of losing even one of my peanuts.
I'm sure I'm not so different from other first-time pregnant women. With no idea of what to expect, everything runs through your mind. Unfortunately, I'm the type to think of the worst. I stress over every little thing that could go wrong. What if we make it through the pregnancy, all the way to full term, and then once we get home something happens to one of them? What if we get into a car accident? Car seats are supposed to protect them, but how much can they really do? It's in these moments that I should follow Ben's lead and just start to pray. But most of the time I can't break myself out of it. It seems like the only thing I do pray about lately is the babies. That they'll be healthy. That we'll make it to full term. That I make the right choices now to give them everything they need to grow properly. I'm constantly thinking about what to eat, how much to eat, how to lie down ... Everything in my mind is centered on them. I've laid on my stomach once since I found out I was pregnant, and that was only so Ben could rub my back. I try not to lie on my back or my stomach, make sure I don't eat more than one serving of fish per week, try to make sure I'm getting enough calcium and protein and fruits and veggies ... I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin one day and nearly cried when I realized it the next.
I'm so scared that I'll do something wrong and hurt or hinder one of my children.
I really do have the best husband when it comes to all this, though. Ben has turned into such a mother hen. I wince and he's instantly asking me what I need or what he can do to help. I mention that something sounds good, and he goes to find it for me. We were at Kevin and Karen's and I mused that I wanted a cup of milk. I figured I'd get it when we got home, right? Wrong. Without my realizing it, he went to find Karen and when she said it was ok, went into the kitchen to get one for me. When he came back with it, I told him that I wasn't saying it so he'd get it for me. He responded with this look and "Please. That's why I'm here." He wants to do everything he can, and it's just so sweet. I know I'm blessed. There are plenty of women on the bump who post about their husbands not understanding, or just ignoring the things they ask for. One of the many reasons I love Ben is because he's such a caretaker, and so tenderhearted. I know he's going to be a wonderful father, because he's just such an amazing husband.
I've got a little while to go before my next appointment, but I'm so excited. It's such a thrill to get to see my little ones growing, to see the changes from the last time I saw them. And I can't wait to gush about the experience of hearing two heartbeats for the first time!
Til next time!
Ben had his first "Daddy" panic yesterday. He didn't give me a lot of detail, since it happened while he was at work and away from me. All he said was that he started worrying about being a good Dad and money, that sort of thing. All I could say was that God gave us these two little ones. He wouldn't have done that if He knew we wouldn't be able to properly care for his blessings. Which I guess was what kept running through Ben's mind when he started getting nervous. He said he spent a lot of time praying about it.
I must admit, I've had my own worry moments. Well ... freak out moments, really. I'll get this sick feeling in my stomach as I start thinking about something going wrong with the pregnancy, or when they're little. Being on the bump doesn't really help in these situations. I've read stories about people leaving their babies in the car (these were in Florida .. the stories all had sad endings), one about a one week old twin needing surgery, and not making it (leaving the mom to take one baby home to a nursery filled with two of everything), women who make it to 22 weeks just to lose their babies then, not to mention the heartbreaking story of my friend Melissa (which I will not post here, out of respect for her.) Just today I read a post about a women carrying twins who endured a gush of blood at 12 weeks. Really not what I need to see right now! I'm two days away from being at 12 weeks myself. They say once you're past your 12th week, you're pretty much set as far as the miscarriage thing goes. But I've read so many stories to the contrary. I've spent more than one night crying over the fear of losing even one of my peanuts.
I'm sure I'm not so different from other first-time pregnant women. With no idea of what to expect, everything runs through your mind. Unfortunately, I'm the type to think of the worst. I stress over every little thing that could go wrong. What if we make it through the pregnancy, all the way to full term, and then once we get home something happens to one of them? What if we get into a car accident? Car seats are supposed to protect them, but how much can they really do? It's in these moments that I should follow Ben's lead and just start to pray. But most of the time I can't break myself out of it. It seems like the only thing I do pray about lately is the babies. That they'll be healthy. That we'll make it to full term. That I make the right choices now to give them everything they need to grow properly. I'm constantly thinking about what to eat, how much to eat, how to lie down ... Everything in my mind is centered on them. I've laid on my stomach once since I found out I was pregnant, and that was only so Ben could rub my back. I try not to lie on my back or my stomach, make sure I don't eat more than one serving of fish per week, try to make sure I'm getting enough calcium and protein and fruits and veggies ... I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin one day and nearly cried when I realized it the next.
I'm so scared that I'll do something wrong and hurt or hinder one of my children.
I really do have the best husband when it comes to all this, though. Ben has turned into such a mother hen. I wince and he's instantly asking me what I need or what he can do to help. I mention that something sounds good, and he goes to find it for me. We were at Kevin and Karen's and I mused that I wanted a cup of milk. I figured I'd get it when we got home, right? Wrong. Without my realizing it, he went to find Karen and when she said it was ok, went into the kitchen to get one for me. When he came back with it, I told him that I wasn't saying it so he'd get it for me. He responded with this look and "Please. That's why I'm here." He wants to do everything he can, and it's just so sweet. I know I'm blessed. There are plenty of women on the bump who post about their husbands not understanding, or just ignoring the things they ask for. One of the many reasons I love Ben is because he's such a caretaker, and so tenderhearted. I know he's going to be a wonderful father, because he's just such an amazing husband.
I've got a little while to go before my next appointment, but I'm so excited. It's such a thrill to get to see my little ones growing, to see the changes from the last time I saw them. And I can't wait to gush about the experience of hearing two heartbeats for the first time!
Til next time!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Ten Weeks Four Days/Two Prunes
I'm not too fond of this stage of development - only because my babies are compared to prunes!! All the others seem to be ok, but I just get this wrinkle-the-nose feeling when I read about them being the size of prunes. As far as the comparisons go, it's only for length (after all, later on they go from a melon to a banana. Or something like that) and the babes are about an inch/inch and a quarter right now. It's hard to picture. Sometimes I forget that I'm pregnant. For about a minute. But it's only because I don't have that "constant reminder" yet. No belly, no movements. Plenty of morning sickness though!
I woke up last night with the worst taste in the back of my throat. I actually couldn't sleep because of it. I've read on thebump.com about a bad taste being a side effect of pregnancy, but that was the first time I'd ever experienced it. So I got up to get a Preggie Pop Drop, and that got rid of the taste enough that I could go back to sleep. Not to mention I prayed the whole time I was sucking on it that God would prevent me from having that symptom again! I prayed that the taste would be a "distant memory" when I woke in the morning, and luckily I really can't remember too much of the actual taste. Just that it was awful. The morning sickness hasn't been to the point where I vomit, but I do have quite a bit of the nausea. I don't really mind it though. That or the tiredness, or the hard time sleeping. These are my constant reminders for now. I know I complain to Ben (especially about being uncomfortable in the heat) but I really am enjoying my pregnancy. I love when each new week starts and I get to look up what's going on with my lil buns now - how much they've grown, what's beginning to work, how much they're moving.
Speaking of moving ... this past Monday I had to go out to Hartford. Twins are considered high risk pregnancy, so I had to go talk to the high risk doctors at St. Francis. Donna drove me out there (it took about an hour), so we got to talk and hang out. We had to sit in the waiting room for a long time (got there early, and they were about half an hour late calling me in) but when we finally got settled in the room, the nurse (named Becky, haha) used the best ultrasound machine to check on my peanuts. We got to see their heartbeats (167 and 170, first time I found out how fast they were, and Donna's first time seeing them - it was still too early to hear them, though), but more importantly, I watched my babies move around! I'd never seen them moving before. No spinning and twisting like the girls on the bump talk about, but I got to see little arms waving, and mini sit ups. I nearly teared up... but I didn't want to be all sappy. I'm trying not to cry so easily, but it isn't working. (Ben and I watched Bolt over the weekend and even though I'd seen it before and didn't cry then, I totally cried at the end of it this time)
Then the doctor came in and talked about the "risks" with twins - the same as the risks for any pregnancy, just a little bit higher, since there are two babies to potentially throw wrenches in the mix. He also said that if I can make it to an "acceptable" gestation week, then I can deliver at Day Kimball! I only want to because it's so close to home. He told me that if I were to go to St. Francis at, say, week 20 and I was having contractions or this and that was showing up on the ultrasound, then they would admit me there. And if I were to go into labor too early at home, then Day Kimball would send me up to the hospital in Worcester (since it's the closest one with a good NICU). So we're praying that these two little ones hold out for a good long time. Oh, I also found out that full term for twins is 36 weeks (twins actually develop faster, like they know that they won't make it to the full 40!), and they won't let me go past 38 weeks. So I'll definitely be having these guys in January at the latest! I'd love to make it to 36 weeks. I want them to be healthy.
I'm going to try to start packing with whatever boxes I can find, since we'll be moving next month!! I can't wait to move and have more room, and be able to work on the nursery!! Life is so good. ^_^
I woke up last night with the worst taste in the back of my throat. I actually couldn't sleep because of it. I've read on thebump.com about a bad taste being a side effect of pregnancy, but that was the first time I'd ever experienced it. So I got up to get a Preggie Pop Drop, and that got rid of the taste enough that I could go back to sleep. Not to mention I prayed the whole time I was sucking on it that God would prevent me from having that symptom again! I prayed that the taste would be a "distant memory" when I woke in the morning, and luckily I really can't remember too much of the actual taste. Just that it was awful. The morning sickness hasn't been to the point where I vomit, but I do have quite a bit of the nausea. I don't really mind it though. That or the tiredness, or the hard time sleeping. These are my constant reminders for now. I know I complain to Ben (especially about being uncomfortable in the heat) but I really am enjoying my pregnancy. I love when each new week starts and I get to look up what's going on with my lil buns now - how much they've grown, what's beginning to work, how much they're moving.
Speaking of moving ... this past Monday I had to go out to Hartford. Twins are considered high risk pregnancy, so I had to go talk to the high risk doctors at St. Francis. Donna drove me out there (it took about an hour), so we got to talk and hang out. We had to sit in the waiting room for a long time (got there early, and they were about half an hour late calling me in) but when we finally got settled in the room, the nurse (named Becky, haha) used the best ultrasound machine to check on my peanuts. We got to see their heartbeats (167 and 170, first time I found out how fast they were, and Donna's first time seeing them - it was still too early to hear them, though), but more importantly, I watched my babies move around! I'd never seen them moving before. No spinning and twisting like the girls on the bump talk about, but I got to see little arms waving, and mini sit ups. I nearly teared up... but I didn't want to be all sappy. I'm trying not to cry so easily, but it isn't working. (Ben and I watched Bolt over the weekend and even though I'd seen it before and didn't cry then, I totally cried at the end of it this time)
Then the doctor came in and talked about the "risks" with twins - the same as the risks for any pregnancy, just a little bit higher, since there are two babies to potentially throw wrenches in the mix. He also said that if I can make it to an "acceptable" gestation week, then I can deliver at Day Kimball! I only want to because it's so close to home. He told me that if I were to go to St. Francis at, say, week 20 and I was having contractions or this and that was showing up on the ultrasound, then they would admit me there. And if I were to go into labor too early at home, then Day Kimball would send me up to the hospital in Worcester (since it's the closest one with a good NICU). So we're praying that these two little ones hold out for a good long time. Oh, I also found out that full term for twins is 36 weeks (twins actually develop faster, like they know that they won't make it to the full 40!), and they won't let me go past 38 weeks. So I'll definitely be having these guys in January at the latest! I'd love to make it to 36 weeks. I want them to be healthy.
I'm going to try to start packing with whatever boxes I can find, since we'll be moving next month!! I can't wait to move and have more room, and be able to work on the nursery!! Life is so good. ^_^
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Nine Weeks Three Days/Two Green Olives
Today I decided to change my blog from just me to about my pregnancy. I have a feeling that some of my daily life will jump in every now and then, but I'd like to have some sort of focus. (I'm not erasing the old posts, since I was not yet preggers then. It will be sort of a then-to-now type thing.) I'd read somewhere that keeping a journal of your pregnancy is a good idea, since you tend to forget things, or miss out on what is so great about what you're going through right then. I kept telling myself that I needed to get another diary or little notebook, and then I remembered that I had this blog.
I'll title each post with how far along I am, and the size the babies are according to length of time. (I love thebump.com for the forums and for all the information on what's going on in each week. I love seeing how my twins grow - even if it's just compared to fruits and veggies!)
I'm in my third month, and thus far I've been pretty lucky as far as symptoms go. Morning sickness hits occassionally - when I'm hungry or have just eaten. No vomiting from it, I just get sick to my stomach. I get tired so quickly now, and the length of time between getting hungry has just about disappeared! My stomach rumbles hours before it used to, but I also fill up faster than I did. When before I would eat a sandwich, fruit, chips, granola bar, fruit snacks, and crackers for lunch, I now have a sandwich and a handful of chips or some fruit and I'm done. It's funny, I expected to eat so much more. Maybe I am eating more, it just doesn't look it because of my getting hungrier earlier. I worry sometimes that I'm not getting enough calories in. I'm supposed to be eating an additional 600 calories a day - 300 per baby. And then I worry about nutrients and if I'm getting all the vitamins the babies need. I take my prenatal, but I'm still nervous.
I'm also not sleeping well at night. I hear that's pretty common. Though, that has always been common with me. When I first got pregnant, I was so wiped by the end of the day that sleeping was not a problem. I was out before Ben, and sleeping through the night. Now I toss and turn like I used to, wake up multiple times and can't get back to sleep. Maybe my body is just getting me ready for when the babies are here and I never sleep! lol. I used to never be able to nap unless I was sick. When I first got prego, I actually napped. Which was such a shocker. I haven't recently, just because of my issues sleeping. But that is something I wouldn't be upset getting again!
Ben has always called me his vampire - I've always leaned toward being cold. I've turned into such a warmie since the twins came along! The summer heat is uncomfortable and has made me cry more than once. A/C is a blessing, and I find myself in desperate need of air conditioning every day. Especially with this crazy heat wave that we've been getting. It's awful! It hit 102 the other day!! I bury myself in the bedroom (the only room in the apartment with a/c) and spend the majority of my day in there. Unless I manage to make it to a friend's pool. Pools are lovely. I've found a new appreciation for them. ^_^
Oh! Ben and I decided on our Halloween costumes this year. We're both going to be nuns. LOL! A pregnant nun and a male nun. We were cracking up about it last night. I figure in October I should have some belly, right? I'll be at the end of my second trimester.
That's one thing I just can't wait for. I want the big belly so it's obvious that I'm prego. ^_^ I'll probably get it later than most (being overweight and having your own belly to begin with is probably gonna hide a baby belly), but I'm excited. I plan on making my own maternity shirts. I've got the transfers. Somewhere ... I've just got to find them. Speaking of, I should really stop writing now and get to cleaning. The apartment isn't exactly at it's prettiest.
Til next time!
I'll title each post with how far along I am, and the size the babies are according to length of time. (I love thebump.com for the forums and for all the information on what's going on in each week. I love seeing how my twins grow - even if it's just compared to fruits and veggies!)
I'm in my third month, and thus far I've been pretty lucky as far as symptoms go. Morning sickness hits occassionally - when I'm hungry or have just eaten. No vomiting from it, I just get sick to my stomach. I get tired so quickly now, and the length of time between getting hungry has just about disappeared! My stomach rumbles hours before it used to, but I also fill up faster than I did. When before I would eat a sandwich, fruit, chips, granola bar, fruit snacks, and crackers for lunch, I now have a sandwich and a handful of chips or some fruit and I'm done. It's funny, I expected to eat so much more. Maybe I am eating more, it just doesn't look it because of my getting hungrier earlier. I worry sometimes that I'm not getting enough calories in. I'm supposed to be eating an additional 600 calories a day - 300 per baby. And then I worry about nutrients and if I'm getting all the vitamins the babies need. I take my prenatal, but I'm still nervous.
I'm also not sleeping well at night. I hear that's pretty common. Though, that has always been common with me. When I first got pregnant, I was so wiped by the end of the day that sleeping was not a problem. I was out before Ben, and sleeping through the night. Now I toss and turn like I used to, wake up multiple times and can't get back to sleep. Maybe my body is just getting me ready for when the babies are here and I never sleep! lol. I used to never be able to nap unless I was sick. When I first got prego, I actually napped. Which was such a shocker. I haven't recently, just because of my issues sleeping. But that is something I wouldn't be upset getting again!
Ben has always called me his vampire - I've always leaned toward being cold. I've turned into such a warmie since the twins came along! The summer heat is uncomfortable and has made me cry more than once. A/C is a blessing, and I find myself in desperate need of air conditioning every day. Especially with this crazy heat wave that we've been getting. It's awful! It hit 102 the other day!! I bury myself in the bedroom (the only room in the apartment with a/c) and spend the majority of my day in there. Unless I manage to make it to a friend's pool. Pools are lovely. I've found a new appreciation for them. ^_^
Oh! Ben and I decided on our Halloween costumes this year. We're both going to be nuns. LOL! A pregnant nun and a male nun. We were cracking up about it last night. I figure in October I should have some belly, right? I'll be at the end of my second trimester.
That's one thing I just can't wait for. I want the big belly so it's obvious that I'm prego. ^_^ I'll probably get it later than most (being overweight and having your own belly to begin with is probably gonna hide a baby belly), but I'm excited. I plan on making my own maternity shirts. I've got the transfers. Somewhere ... I've just got to find them. Speaking of, I should really stop writing now and get to cleaning. The apartment isn't exactly at it's prettiest.
Til next time!
Friday, May 7, 2010
I Will Not Fall, Will Not Let It Go
Well, so much for keeping on the blog. Once again, I've let it fall to the wayside. It seems like every time I start up a blog, I keep going pretty well to begin with. Then I just forget about it. Or have no ideas on what to write. That's kind of how I feel now. I don't really know what to make this entry about. Mainly because this is a public forum. There are things, parts of my life, that only Ben and I are aware of. Things that I'm not ready to share with the world just yet. I have these questions swimming through my brain, and until they are answered I just can't say anything. I'll try to make this entry worth something, but no promises, eh?
Saturday is Jack's birthday. He would have been 30 this year. Saturday marks three years. There's still a part of me that is bitter. I feel like he stole from me, from my children. But there's a huge part of me that is still buried in grief. I don't know how to handle it. I talked to Tom about doing a memorial tattoo. I tried to explain how I felt, why Jack is so important to me. He asked for time. Said it was a sensitive subject. I understand - I know Tom felt really close to Jack, spent so much time at their house when he was younger that he viewed Ben and Jack as brothers. Words cannot describe how awful I felt when Tom said he needed time. It's like I plucked a chord of pain. I have to wonder if was upset that I miss Jack - that I, who never knew him, would have the grief reserved for those in his situation - those who knew and loved him. I apologized, but I don't know what Tom is thinking. I'm afraid I've hurt him, or made him think less of me. I told Ben that Tom's opinion means a lot to me. I don't know why. Out of all Ben's friends, Tom and Nick's opinions mean something. That just made everything worse. Made me feel even more awful. I wish I could make it up to him, but I have no idea how. So now it's a waiting game. Not waiting for him to do my tattoo, waiting for a sign that he's ok with me. I haven't seen him since then, and I'm afraid to. I guess I'm just afraid of seeing something in his eyes that shows his respect for me has diminished.
I could be overthinking things, and I probably am, but this is a big worry at the moment.
Of course, another is PartyLite. I have such fears that I won't get off the ground with it, that I'll wake up and have gotten nowhere. I fear that I won't make any sort of income and that our lives will become harder. My stress level has risen. I worry about bills and what would happen should I become pregnant. We already have some debt hanging over our heads. Not to mention we really have no room for a child. When I begin thinking about these things, I try to just pray and let go. I know God is going to take care of us. I know that we will survive and everything will be ok. But me - being glass-is-half-empty girl - I tend to see the horrible things and not the good. Sometimes letting go is one of the hardest things to do. It's then that I have to remind myself that it's ok to hold on. As long as what I'm clinging to is God. Still, that tends to be difficult for me. I just don't know how to lose the worries that plague my mind.
And yet, I haven't been happier since I got fired.
I love being at home. I hate cleaning, but I love to clean up our apartment. For Ben to come home and tell me that the things he planned on doing once he got in from work are already finished gives me a real sense of accomplishment. I like that now he can come home and relax instead of coming home to clean up. I like that I make his life a little easier. I like that I get to have random kitty cuddles throughout the day. I feel like they show me more affection now that I'm home with them. Makes me think of being a stay-at-home mom. ^_^
It's the weekend. I love weekends because I get to have time with Ben. I miss him while he's working. But I'm so proud of what he does for us. My husband will do anything he possibly can to take care of his family. I am so very blessed to have him. I never thought my perfect man existed. I really thought that my list would be impossible to complete. And then I met him. He opened my eyes to true love, showed me what I had been missing. He pushes me in my relationship with God, speaks blessings into my life and the lives of others. I have had more than one woman comment "Oh d**m he's taken!" That always gives me the biggest smile, because others see the value in my husband. They see how wonderful he is, and it makes me proud to know he chose me as his mate.
No matter what the worries or stresses, I love my life and everyone in it.
Saturday is Jack's birthday. He would have been 30 this year. Saturday marks three years. There's still a part of me that is bitter. I feel like he stole from me, from my children. But there's a huge part of me that is still buried in grief. I don't know how to handle it. I talked to Tom about doing a memorial tattoo. I tried to explain how I felt, why Jack is so important to me. He asked for time. Said it was a sensitive subject. I understand - I know Tom felt really close to Jack, spent so much time at their house when he was younger that he viewed Ben and Jack as brothers. Words cannot describe how awful I felt when Tom said he needed time. It's like I plucked a chord of pain. I have to wonder if was upset that I miss Jack - that I, who never knew him, would have the grief reserved for those in his situation - those who knew and loved him. I apologized, but I don't know what Tom is thinking. I'm afraid I've hurt him, or made him think less of me. I told Ben that Tom's opinion means a lot to me. I don't know why. Out of all Ben's friends, Tom and Nick's opinions mean something. That just made everything worse. Made me feel even more awful. I wish I could make it up to him, but I have no idea how. So now it's a waiting game. Not waiting for him to do my tattoo, waiting for a sign that he's ok with me. I haven't seen him since then, and I'm afraid to. I guess I'm just afraid of seeing something in his eyes that shows his respect for me has diminished.
I could be overthinking things, and I probably am, but this is a big worry at the moment.
Of course, another is PartyLite. I have such fears that I won't get off the ground with it, that I'll wake up and have gotten nowhere. I fear that I won't make any sort of income and that our lives will become harder. My stress level has risen. I worry about bills and what would happen should I become pregnant. We already have some debt hanging over our heads. Not to mention we really have no room for a child. When I begin thinking about these things, I try to just pray and let go. I know God is going to take care of us. I know that we will survive and everything will be ok. But me - being glass-is-half-empty girl - I tend to see the horrible things and not the good. Sometimes letting go is one of the hardest things to do. It's then that I have to remind myself that it's ok to hold on. As long as what I'm clinging to is God. Still, that tends to be difficult for me. I just don't know how to lose the worries that plague my mind.
And yet, I haven't been happier since I got fired.
I love being at home. I hate cleaning, but I love to clean up our apartment. For Ben to come home and tell me that the things he planned on doing once he got in from work are already finished gives me a real sense of accomplishment. I like that now he can come home and relax instead of coming home to clean up. I like that I make his life a little easier. I like that I get to have random kitty cuddles throughout the day. I feel like they show me more affection now that I'm home with them. Makes me think of being a stay-at-home mom. ^_^
It's the weekend. I love weekends because I get to have time with Ben. I miss him while he's working. But I'm so proud of what he does for us. My husband will do anything he possibly can to take care of his family. I am so very blessed to have him. I never thought my perfect man existed. I really thought that my list would be impossible to complete. And then I met him. He opened my eyes to true love, showed me what I had been missing. He pushes me in my relationship with God, speaks blessings into my life and the lives of others. I have had more than one woman comment "Oh d**m he's taken!" That always gives me the biggest smile, because others see the value in my husband. They see how wonderful he is, and it makes me proud to know he chose me as his mate.
No matter what the worries or stresses, I love my life and everyone in it.
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